ASK AMY Couple struggles to rekindle the spark

DearAmy: I got back together with a girlfriend after being separated for 14 years. During that time, we kept in contact, and both oftenwondered ifwe called it quits too soon.

Nowweare back together, obviously different people fromthose first years together, and this has caused some heated arguments, disagreements and more.

Her communicationstyle is blunt, straightforward, unapologetic, andcan be perceived as mean. My communication style is the exact opposite, and this too is causing a riftbetween us. We have only been living together fortwomonths.

I amunsure of where to go fromhere. I love her deeply, and I knowshe lovesme. I trulywant us towork out, but I have to admit that Iwonder ifwe arewasting our time trying to rekindle a flame that has burned out.

Iwould consider therapy. Whatwould you suggest?

— Unsure DearUnsure: If you are open to couples counseling, then absolutely try it.

Different communication styles can cause smaller rifts to deepen, but once you learn to communicatemore effectively with each other, intimacy will definitely deepen.

Does your girlfriend want to communicate differently? Does shewant to engage by listening, even if she doesn’t agree with what you are saying? Can you learn to accept her bluntness, as long as it isn’t sarcastic or mean-spirited? What is the personal “cost” to both of you for staying in this relationship?

These are all questions to take to a counselor. Start as soon as you can, while your insights and desire to change are still fresh.

PsychologyToday (psychologytoday.com) offers a helpful database of therapists, organized by specialties and geographical location, although location is no longer a deal breaker, because somany therapists willworkwith clients remotely.

For someinsight into howone therapistworks, I recommendthe documentary series, “CouplesTherapy,” streaming on Amazon Prime.

DearAmy: My former wife and Iwere married for almost 30 years.

Eight years ago, she informedmethat she wanted to change careers andmove to a different part of the country. For many different reasons, I chose not to followher on hernewpath, andwe went through an amicable divorce. My ex and I have had few but always cordial contact via telephone and text message. We have no children, and therewas never any expectation that wewould reconcile.

Six years ago, I developed a relationship with anotherwoman. I told her aboutmy newrelationship, and she seemed happy for me.

Three months ago, mynewwife and I got married.

Aweekor twoaftermy wedding, I textedmy ex to let her know.

Her replywas curt and painful. Itwas along the lines of, “I thoughtwe had an agreement that you would tellmebefore you got married. I don’t think there’s any reason for us to have any future communications.”

Idon’tknowhowto deal with this brush-off, or whether I should even try.

I do not believe I ever agreed to let her know before I got remarried. But even if I did, her response seems like itwas intended to hurtme.

— Confused DearConfused: I can’t speak to your ex-wife’s intentions, but tomeit seems that she is more focused on expressing her ownwounded feelings, versus trying to hurt you.

You could definitely retaliate and defend yourself against her accusation. But if that is your instinct, I think you should suppress it and simply let her statement stand, respecting her choice not to be in touch.

However, youmight feel better about this episode if you replied to her calmly, kindly, and honestly. You might text her, “Iamgenuinely sorry and sad about your reaction to the news ofmywedding. You are an important part ofmy history andmy life, and I had hoped to stay friends.”

DearAmy: “Faithful” presented a chilling account of theways her boyfriend is constantly suspicious and surveilling her.

Iwas relieved that you picked up on howcreepy thiswas and urged her to leave the relationship.

— BeenThere DearBeenThere: A person’s narrative often reveals context that they don’t seem to see. This is one reason telling your own story is so important.