Scorned husband could try cordiality

DearAmy: My wife of many years decided that she didn’twant to be married tome anymore. Turns out she had become involved with a bad influence fromher past. They are nowmarried.

During the divorce proceedings, they conspired to destroy me. She sought to remove me from our house, to terminate all ofmy parental rights and lied repeatedly under oath. She even tried to get her hands on the kids’ education savings accounts, which she claimedwere overfunded (even though shewas already offered several million dollars fromthe marital estate).

Our kids are young adults nowand will soon be havingweddings, with grandchildren hopefully to follow.

I have never said a bad word to them about their mother and hopefully never will. Here’smy issue: I don’twant her husband at smaller family gatherings like a baptism, grandchildren’s birthday parties, etc. I can handle the large events (where therewould be plenty of people and space), but not the smaller ones.

Iwill never shake the man’s hand or be cordial to him. I can’t imagine having to hold a conversation with this creep. Yet, I don’twant to sit home alone just because he’s there. I also don’twant other guests to feel awkward.

I realize that to give the kids an ultimatum (“him or me”) is not fair to them either.

— Reluctant Ex

DearReluctant: Understand that if you state, “It’s him or me,” you lose, no matter what your kids decide, because you will have surrendered your power and pride to someone who doesn’t deserve it.

I often suggest “cordiality” in this space because I believe that this is a concept that Americans don’t easily grasp. Speaking very broadly, we are visceral and revealing people. (This is our charm, and also our challenge.)

Being cordial implies that you give nothing away. You hold it in. You restrain your feelings, voice, attitude and body language. You leave peoplewondering. It is the essence of maintaining the “upper hand,” but it also allows you the internal satisfaction of behaving to a polite standard.

It sounds as if your wife did not “win” her various attempts to lie and bully you through the court system. Even though you nowknowwhat she is capable of, you have held it together for the sake of your children. You’ve been cordial. That’s what good parents do!

At smaller events, you would dowell to attend with a friend or family member who can serve as a sympathetic buffer and distraction.

DearAmy: I’m a widow. My husband died about a year ago.

My son is 37. He refuses to talk to me because of something minor. His siblings fear his behavior, so they cannot persuade him to change.

When he doesn’t like your attitude, he puts you in quarantine. He has no relationship with his two older brothers.

His wife doesn’t like to get involved because she also fears being cut off.

Howcan I cope with this? His attitude is degrading.

— RuminatingWidow

Dear Widow: You have experienced a huge loss. I believe that you ruminate about your son’s behavior because on some level you think that if you behave differently, he will behave differently— and you won’t experience another loss.

Given howyour son handles all of his relationships, it is unlikely that he will spontaneously change. You can protect yourself by reacting honestly, proportionately and calmly: “I believe you are hurting, and that’swhy you push other people away. You’re an adult. I hope you can find a more productive way of handling disputes with people. I find your treatment of me degrading, and I’m not here for it. I will alwayswelcome you intomy life, but I also expect you to be nice to me.”

DearAmy: You often run letters frompeople concerned about a family member’s drinking.

I’d like to add a suggestion. When confronting an alcoholic about concerns with their drinking— only do this when they are sober, otherwise, it’s wasted energy.

— BeenThere

Dear Been There: Absolutely.

Copyright 2020 byAmy Dickinson