Cutting contact with racist relatives

DearAmy: My brother’s wife has been posting a lot of racist content and wild conspiracy theories to her social media accounts.

My husband and I have asked her to reconsider her positions, but she has doubled down (more than once) and asserted her right “as a white Christian” to say these things. My niece (16) said, “Eew. I’d never be friends with a black person.” My brother toldme that theywould never apologize for their beliefs.

My husband and I are beginning the journey of becoming foster parents. In our area, 62% of children in foster care are children of color. We’ve toldmy parents thatwe need to cut contact with my brother’s family. My mother is pushing me to let them “set the record straight.”

I’m not comfortable forcing children of color to interact with them. I’m not comfortable with them around white childrenwe might foster either. My parents refuse to accept this, and sowe are not speaking to them either.

Do I owemy brother’s family yet another chance to explain themselves? Even if they promise to stop publicly stating these racist things, howcan I trust them to be kind to children of color inmy care? Howcan I have a relationship withmy parents, even if I can’t have one withmy brother?

— Trying toDo the Right Thing

Dear Trying: Like any prospective parents, you want to “childproof” your surroundings to protect your child. Just as your brother and his wife are describing theirworld to their daughter, you will honestly describe your world to your child.

There seems little point in trying to force these people to renounce their racist ideology. You should not followthem on social media. You should not involve your mother.

You don’t actually have to declare an estrangement — you can simply make choices as you go. Yes, you will naturally minimize time spent with them because they seem awful and you don’t like them. (They don’t seem to like you either.)

For many of us, however, the very definition of “family” is to occasionally share space with loudmouths, blowhards, racists or people you simply don’t like. In time, you can explain to your childwhy you don’t like them.

Relieve your mother of her desire to mediate; simply tell her that it is not necessary.

DearAmy: My girlfriend is 22. We’ve been living together for almost three years. During that time, however, she has kept close relationships with a number of other men she refers to as her “friends.”

She refuses to allowme to see her phone, keeps it locked and gets crazy mad if I even look at her when she’s on her phone.

Before the pandemic shewould go out drinking on Friday and/or Saturday night with one of her male friends, leaving me home alone. Theywould usually end up at another male friend’s apartment.

She insists it’s all innocent. If I ask her about what she is doing, she gets angry and complains that I don’t respect her boundaries and that I’m being paranoid. If all of this doesn’t mean anything, thenwhy is it all kept a secret?

— Paranoid?

Dear Paranoid?: There is paranoid, and then there is gaslighting. You are experiencing the latter. Because your girlfriend is so big on boundaries, I think it would be a good idea for you to establish some.

For starters, she (or you) shouldmove out. She is not interested in being in the kind of relationship you want to have.

DearAmy: As a genealogist who values family stories, I disagree with your advice to “Half-Sister” to not share some letters she found. You ask, “What goodwould be served?” Look what a great life “Barb” was offered by her adoptive parents because of the loving decision of her birth mother to have her adopted.

The letters address real life and howpeoplework through problems. Barb needs these letters.

— HistoryKeeper

Dear HistoryKeeper: Many adoptees (and others) have disagreed with my advice— to offer this newly discovered halfsister an edited selection of letters written between her two biological parents.

I stand corrected. Thank you all.