Abusive marriage concerns college pal

DearAmy: My closest friend fromcollege is 65 years old. We talk on the phone regularly.

He related a serious incident to me yesterday about his wife (of 35 years) physically attacking him. She punched him in the head and split his lip with an ashtray. He fell to the floor, and she continued punching and kicking him, bruising him in several places.

I tried to encourage him to leave, but hewon’t. He plans on staying in a completely loveless, and now violent, relationship.

I don’t knowwhatmy next step should be. He got angry when I mentioned that Iwould call his son. However, what if I don’t do anything and this behavior escalates?

— Concerned Friend

Dear Friend: TheNational Domestic ViolenceHotline (thehotline.org) quotes an alarming statistic: One in 7 men in theU.S. age 18 and over has been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in his lifetime. Male victims of IPV (intimate partner violence) are often reluctant to involve the police because of a perceived bias toward female victims.

Your friend told you about his abuse, which is an important step. Keep talking and continue to be concerned and supportive. Instead of urging him to leave the marriage, ask if hewould come to visit you (if possible).

Helpline.org has extremely helpful information and resources specifically for male victims of domestic violence. Share this with your friend. In terms of reaching out to his son, you will have to decide if thiswould further isolate him. His injuries, however, are alarming, and I believe the son should be told.

DearAmy: My father is 87 years old. My mother died when Iwas a teenager. Dad met a greatwoman almost 20 years ago andmoved a couple of states away to be with her.

My brother and sister have both lost contact with him, butDad and I talk everyweek on the phone, and I visit once or twice a year.

He has been battling cancer for years, but now the cancer has spread, and he is no longer receiving any medical treatment. He is veryweak and not able to talk on the phone for more than a minute or two.

My husband and I made plans to drive several hours to see him. Initially this plan seemed fine, but a few days later I got an email fromhis lady friend. She said he didn’twant to see me. He knew itwould be the last time, and he couldn’t handle saying goodbye.

Hewanted me to remember him theway he was the last time I saw him. She just doesn’twant to put him through the emotional upheaval.

Deep down I understandmy father and know that Iwould probably feel the sameway.

Everyone is telling me that I will regret it if I don’t go. What should I do?

— Sad and Confused

Dear Sad: People who are near the end of their lives sometimeswithdrawfrom even close friends and family members. I have experienced this with family members, and understand that it is painful to be on the receiving end of this sort of decision.

Shoot a video of yourself and send it to your father’s partner so she can showit to him. Tell him howmuch you love him, share some happy or funny memories, and express your gratitude to him.

Yes, you should also travel to where you father lives (do not ask to stay in their home). Tell his partner that you understand that he doesn’twant to see you, but that youwant to be nearby.

Do not sweep in and make this last period of your father’s life about you and your needs. In being present, mindful, respectful and helpful, you will find that some of your own needs will be met, and yes, you will have fewer regrets.

DearAmy: No, no, no! Your response to “Rightful Owner” was so off base. This man’swife basically commandeered the family car to take her daughterin-lawand her kids to the airport, when the DIL had a perfectly good car of her own. Yet another example of male bias.

— Disgusted

Dear Disgusted: What I objected towas theway he responded to this challenge, whichwas to take off in the car on the day of the trip, leaving others to scramble. I thought his behaviorwas cowardly.