Spouse’s spending creates a debt trap
DearAmy: My wife and I have been married for a long time.
Nowwe’remore or less retired. I have a small online business that supplements our Social Security income and her pension.
I try to set aside money for special purchases and be prepared for unforeseen emergencies.
On the other hand, she buys all sorts of stuff online and puts it on various credit cards: clothes, food, books, household items, you name it.
We have literally piles of unopened packages and brand-new stuff, and it never seems to end. I think it is some sort of hoarding complex.
I have tried talking to her about the spending, but she is highly secretive about our finances and when I press her for details, she picks a fight about something I did or said years ago.
She accuses me of not trusting her (and I don’t, really) and being paranoid (I probably am).
If something happens to her, in the state wherewe live, Iwould be liable for the credit card debt that is in her name.
Given what I do knowof our financial situation, beyondmy own business’s financials, I am afraid I would be bankrupt if she passes away. She refuses to even discuss any kind of counseling. What can I do? I can’t afford to divorce her, either.
— Lost in a Blizzard of Packages
Dear Lost: When your wife runs up debt on multiple cards and hides all of it fromyou, she is committing “financial infidelity.” This has exposed a huge rift in your marriage (you cannot have a healthy, functioning marriage if one partner is lying about something so important). Unfortunately, unlike with other kinds of fidelity, ultimately the consequence and burden of her behavior may be borne by you.
Shopping— and buying — can give some people a dopamine hit, similar to gambling or addictive behavior.
Let’s assume that she is hiding and deflecting because she feels guilty and ashamed.
Instead of confronting her in anger, you could try to gently pry open the vault by enlisting her as a partner in your long-range financial planning. If she insists that her purchases are affordable, ask her to showyou the paperwork. Tell her that youwant your marriage to get back on track by being transparent and honest with one another.
Regardless of howyour wife responds, you should definitely see a counselor and a lawyer. You say that you can’t afford to divorce, but it is possible that you cannot afford to stay married.
Debtors Anonymous has a “friends and family” support group: check Debtanon.org. You will also learn a lot fromdebt-busterDave Ramsay.
DearAmy: Howcan I politely tellmy husband that he needs to startwearing larger size clothes?
Over the past couple of years, he has put on enoughweight that the clothes he’s had for awhile really don’t fit properly, and he shouldn’t bewearing them.
When I buy new clothes, he stillwears his old ones because the new ones I bought are “too big” and “not the right size.”
He has had the same size the entire time I’ve known him (24 years), and I don’t have an issue with hisweight gain, but he seems to be in complete denial. I’m usually a direct person when it comes to telling people things, but I don’t knowhowto tactfully approach this subject.
— WonderingWife
DearWondering: There is no need for tact here because there is also no need for you to tell your husband that his clothes are too tight.
He is a grown man. He has the right to be uncomfortable. Hemight be trying to use his tight-fitting clothing as an incentive to take off theweight he has gained. If he asks for help, then give him the benefit of your point of view. Otherwise, let it go.
DearAmy: “TooMuch Stuff” wanted to discourage her friend fromgiving her so many gifts.
We made this rule in our family asmy mother downsized and got older: Any gift must be something you can eat up, drink up, or use up.
Nomore stuff!
— Less Clutter
Dear Less: This rule is a great gift. Thank you!