ASK AMY Newmother needs respite, empathy

DearAmy: My husband and I have a seven-monthold baby.

My husband has never been a sympathetic person. I have always accepted this about him. However, now with the baby, I findmyself needing more emotional support than he can give me.

The long nights with a nursing and poorly sleeping baby have leftmefeeling exhausted and needing some reassurance and comfort frommy husband.

Whenever I broach the subject, he tellsme that he works so I can be home (I work too, but fewer hours and fromhome), and that he doesn’t feel bad for mebecause he has a long commute and that I need to get a grip (although he doesn’t use those exact words).

Howcan I either talk to him, or find another outlet to get the support I can’t get fromhim?

— NewMama

DearNewMama: You need immediate and caring support, and othermoms are often very good at offering it. Do everything possible to get together with other parents (safely) in person or online (via Facebook parenting groups orReddit). Other parents can observe you and your baby and give both of you lots of positive attention and love.

You also need some respite, someonewho can be with your baby while you take a nap, take awalk or get a haircut. These small things are the essence of “self-care” whenyou have a baby at home. Obviously, the pandemic has complicated the process of bringing another individual into your household. If there is away to safely do so for even three hours aweek, you should.

Normally, Iwould suggest that your husband watch your baby, solo, for several hours during a weekend day (because the bestway to understand what a full-timemomgoes through is to experience a bit of it, yourself ), but given his extreme limitations, this might not be the wisest course.

I assume that he might be modeling attitudes and behavior he experienced in his ownhousehold growing up, and oneway to talk to him about your needs might be to ask him about his own parents’ attitudes aboutwork and family.

DearAmy: I ammarried to amanwith three kids. The oldest is 18, and he has twomuch younger children.

The oldest (a daughter) lives in another state. She doesn’t have the best relationshipwith her dad (my husband). Whenwe first got together, my husband was still getting divorced, so itwas a lot of drama.

I amonly 29 and have neverbeenwithaman whohas children.

His oldest is angry that I never reached out to her.

Inmy defense, wewere going to visit last year, and I thoughtwewouldmeet then. But shewouldn’t meet because shewasmad at us. Should I reach out now?

— Wondering

You are likely closer in age to your husband’s daughter than you are to him, and yet you seem to have completely forgottenwhat itwas like to be a teenage girl.

Fromthe timing you suggest, this girl’s forma

DearWondering:

tive teen yearswere consumed by her folks’ dramatic breakup. You and her father didn’twait for his divorce to start dating (kids keep score, her mother has probably mentioned this a few hundred times, and these thingsmatter to them).

Step-parenting always begins with friendship, and friendships are the result of bids for connection.

Yes, your efforts might be denied or dismissed, but the reason to reach out is so that later— when she is more mature and the situation is more stable— she can see that you’ve been trying all along.

Keep it simple: Anemail orDMsaying, “I’m so sorry we haven’tmet in person yet; we’d love for you to visit us if you are able. I’m sorry things have been so hard, but I’m really looking forward to getting to know you.”

DearAmy: My husband and I have been very happilymarried for more than 40 years. He signs my birthday card, “Love, John,” but that is about it for “out loud” “I love yous.”

However, he gets up every morning, boils the kettle andmakes tea, bringingmea perfectly brewed cup.

I have told him and lots of other people that I consider this his “I Love You.” Iwill settle for this for another 40 years.

— L. Clark, in Ontario

DearL: Iamenjoying these sweet endorsements for nonverbal expressions of love.