ASK AMY Discovery changes everything at home

DearAmy: I just found a box of condoms inmy husband’s sock drawer. The manufacture datewas 2015.

Theyweren’t for our use because Iwent through menopause long before that, andwe haven’t used condoms in 20 years.

I amfairly sure thatmy husband had an affair 15 years ago, although he always said that “nothing physical happened.”

Given the “business trips” thatwere never paid for by his company, I doubt hewas being honest, and fromthat experience, I knowthat he can lookme intheeyeandtellmea baldfaced lie.

I feel sick, lost and helpless right now. I have been a great wife and mother, and he has neverwanted for emotional or physical love. I amnot surewhere to turn next.

— Lost andAlone

DearLostandAlone:

I’m so sorry you are going through this turmoil.

There is no lonelier feeling than losing trust in your partner, with the growing awareness that you might be living with a person whosuddenly seems like a stranger to you.

Yousayyoudon’t know where to turn, and before you turn to your husband to confront him with your suspicions, you should research your legal rights and responsibilities (and perhaps meet with a lawyer), in case you— or he— will ultimately choose to leave the marriage.

Educating yourself in thisway does not mean that you are giving up on the relationship, but itwill empower you to face this possibility, and give you an idea about your more practical options.

Yes, you should assume that he will deny this, or come up with an explanation for having recently purchased condoms.

Whenyou have this conversation, listen to your own body; pay close attention to your own instincts concerning his behavior. Donot take this as a referendum on what kind of person, wife ormother you are— his choices are not your responsibility, and they are not your fault.

Acouples’ counselor would help youwalk through your own feelings and reactions, and could work with you and your husband together, if you and he choose to try.

DearAmy: About a year ago, mysisterand I founda half-sibling on aDNAsite.

Although thiswas quite a shock to the half-sister, I did have an opportunity to meet her, andwe are all starting to develop a nice relationship. Long story short, she is very nice.

Howdowe tell our mom? I honestly don’t think shewould care. Our dad has been deceased for over 35 years.

Whenwe first discovered this connection, my younger sister mentioned to ourmomthatwe found someonewholooks like a half-sibling, but whenwe found out that she is only about twoweeks older thanme, my sister dropped the conversation and didn’t bring it up again.

Mominquired about it again, butwe responded thatmaybe itwas a fluke. Momreplied thatDNA doesn’t lie. She said that when she marriedmy dad, people said hemight have another child somewhere, because he had been single for eight yearswhen they got married.

Any suggestions? — Found Sister

DearSister: Your father impregnated twowomen at around the same time. He married one of them. Youmay not knowthe particulars of your parents’ decision to get married that long time ago; their relationship might not have been longstanding, stable and exclusivewhen your mother got pregnant with you. Regardless of your folks’ relationship status at the time, this is further proof that people are complicated. DNA findings are challenging many families to come to grips with this fact.

It is possible that your mother has anticipated this. She has already followed through on your original finding, and so your question is really about howto bring up this challenging topic.

Theway tohaveadifficult conversation is to be brave enough to initiate it, and sensitive enough to be patient concerning its course and outcome.

DearAmy: I felt for “Heartbroken inDallas,” whose partner left just after he had recovered fromcancer.

I found that the one thing that broughtme through a heartbreakwas music. It hasmysterious, but effective, healing powers.

DearBeenThere: Music rearranges emotions, moods and a person’s outlook. Great suggestion.