ASK AMY Woman wants to get out of her head

DearAmy: I recently received some news, and went to tellmy husband.

I didn’t realize that I was interrupting awork issue, and he snapped and said, “You don’t have to tell meeverything, and ask so many questions.”

Later that day, my boss had an hourlong talkwith meabout howI’m not enough of a team player.

My husband later apologized, but nowI can’t get that day ofmy head.

I’ve always been a chatty, outgoing person. I’ve been raised to ask questions if I don’t knowthe answers. WhenI showan interest in something, I love hearing what people have to say.

I can’t stop thinking that I’ve actually just been annoying peoplemywhole life, and thatmy co-workers, who I thought I got along with, may findme hard towork with.

We have just started a fertility journey, which has meworried. Mymomhas had somehealth concerns, and I’ve been helping her.

But that one day hasme thinking that just beingme is wrong, that I’m annoying and that I need to change. Howcan I get out ofmy own head?

— Annoying

DearAnnoying: My theory is that the pandemic has causedmany of us to journey— perhaps too far — into our ownheads.

Let’s establish that “being you” is not wrong, but stress will amplify habits and insecurities.

It is normal to ruminate about a job review, but when you are confronted with critical feedback, the healthiest thing to do is to use it tomake whatever adjustments you can.

You received an hourlong directive fromyour boss, but you don’t offer specifics. Is that because youweren’t able to hear anything beyond, “You’re not enough of a team player,” due to the whooshing sound in your head?

It is a challenge to pause and actively listen, when you are an enthusiastic talker (trustme, I know!). Someof your questions might seem redundant to peoplewho believe they have already addressed them— were you listening?

You cannot change your temperament (you seem bubbly and lively, which iswonderful), but you can change your habits.

I recommend the book “You’reNot Listening: WhatYou’re Missing and WhyItMatters,” by journalistKateMurphy (2020, Celadon Books). Murphy describes listening as less a behavior than a state of mind. She also quotes Calvin Coolidge, who said, “Nobody ever lost his job by listening toomuch.”

DearAmy: About eight weeks ago, we loaned our daughter and son-in-law $5,000 because they got themselves into a financial bind. She promised to pay us back in a couple of weekswhen they received their $5,000 deposit back froma house they had been renting.

Fourweeks after the loan, we texted her to ask the status of the loan, and shewent ballistic on us, sending us a terrible text.

We haven’t heard from her since then. She sent us $2,000, but there has been no other communication. We are not sure howto handle this.

DearPerplexed: The dynamic after loaning money to people often seems backwardwhen the recipient responds to generosity with hostility or defensiveness, rather than with gratitude. I suppose this is because the act of asking for money exposes a tender touchpoint. By asking, they are admitting that they have failed.

I suggest that you remain steadfast. Don’t bite the hook your daughter dangled with her rudeness; thiswas either consciously or unconsciously meant to distract you fromthe fact that she and her husband owe you a substantial amount.

Communicatewith her: “You asked for what you needed, andwe responded. There is no need for you to be hostile; just let us know when you can repay the rest of the loan.”

DearAmy: “Line Cook” reported being aggravated by the chef’s constant whistling in the kitchen.

This person should research “misophonia,” which is an extreme aversion to certain sounds.

I’m surprised you didn’t mention this.

— Fellow Sufferer

DearFellow: Many readers mentionedmisophonia, which I have discussed in previous columns.

But— aperson doesn’t need to suffer froma neurological disorder to be extremely aggravated by the sound of constant whistling. It’s annoying!