ASK AMY Weigh in on troubled teen with tact

DearAmy: My friend and co-worker has a teenage son (age 15) whohas unfortunately been in trouble for most of his life. This has gottenworse the older he gets. (Iamnot talking about small incidents either. There has been racism, violence and other problems that are serious.)

He hasbeendisciplined several times alreadyat school, andnowis currently attending the “alternative” schoolandhasbeenkicked offbothbandandathletics, inwhichheexcelled.

She seems to have rose-colored glasses on and does not seem to understand the severity of his actions, nor the recourse for them. She is also hard-headed and must always be right.

She has askedmy opinion several times, and I have generally deferred, knowing it will upset her. Should I tell her what I think, or simply let it go?

— AFriend

DearA: If you have personal or professional experience dealing with an extremely challenging teenager, then you should weigh in (when invited) and share every ounce of expertise and commiseration you can.

In short, can you actually help her? If so, you should. Merely stating your opinion about how badly her son is messing up (or highlighting the severity of his offenses so she’ll pay closer attention) might make you feel righteous butwouldn’t offer a pathway toward change.

Theway you present your friend’s personality, I could imagine that there areways her own temperament might have contributed to her son’s behavior. Again, offering an indictment of her personality or parenting style isn’t likely to inspire change.

If you lack expertise, you might gain traction by asking questions: Has she been offered professional help? Has he? Has she been following professional recommendations?

Listen to her answers with compassion, and if she asks you what she should do, say, “Every child is different. I can’t really say what you should do, but I can tell you what I would try to do.” If she responds defensively, you’ll knowshe isn’t ready or able to listen.

There is no one answer in howto parent a troubled child. It is a very long and lonely road. Be extremely judicious in doling out advice, while offering support in abundance.

DearAmy: My mother passed away earlier this year. Shortly afterward, my father started seeing someone. She has basically moved in with him.

Before I knew about his newromantic partner, my wife and Iwere planning to have Christmas dinner at hishome since they are part of our quarantine bubble of four. Wewere also planning on doing aZoomdinner withmy mom’s side of the family.

They have no clue about this relationship, and I imagine there’s going to be a lot of awkwardness ifwe do this. What do you think I should do to reduce this awkwardness?

My wife thinks I should askmy father to try to be more transparent. He hasn’t givenmemany details about hisnew partner, so I don’t know muchabout her.

I knowitwould be easier not to participate in a Zoomdinner, but maintainingmy relationship withMom’s family is extra important tomenowthat she is no longer with us.

— FeelingAwkward

DearAwkward: Please acceptmy condolences. The holiday season will likely be quite tough for you this year— formany reasons. I can understand why you are anxious about this particular episode.

You don’t say whether your fatherwants to do a Zoomgathering fromhis house. Remember, as you worry about this, that it is up to him to manage introducing hisnewpartner to other people, and that includes managing the awkwardness. You should try to detach fromyour own expectations about howhe will handle this and focus on your own connection to these family members.

DearAmy: “About to Blow” didn’t like to be asked howmuch money they paid for things.

My mother always said, “There are three things I do not discuss: My age; my weight; andmy money— in that order.”

That shut up nosy people pretty quickly.

Hope this helps. She lived to 99- ½ .

Imaybe borrowing her wisdom.