ASK AMY ‘Girlfriend’ might angle for partner status
DearAmy: Ihavebeen in a relationship for 13 years.
Iamover50andIam really getting sick and tired of being disregarded whenI amreferred to as the “girlfriend.” I feel that being the girlfriend implies a temporary thing, and I feel otherwomendisregardme when they hear theword “girlfriend.”
Ihaveneverbeenso insecure inmylife, but nowI feel like I have to constantlyworry aboutmy future. My boyfriend has meon his life insurance, but he has no will.
Idon’t thinkheunderstands the feeling of having toworry that if he passes on, I will have to leave our home, as I have no legal rights to fight for it.
— Lost
DearLost: I understand your objection to the term “girlfriend.” And yet you referred to your sweetheart as your “boyfriend.” Does he mind this? Does heworry about howother mensee him?
Imust admit to a 180-degree change inmy own opinion of use of the word “partner” to describe serious long-term relationships. I used to think that “partner” sounded like a descriptor better suited to a lawfirmthan a love relationship. Now, I think it sounds just right. What are married couples, really, other than partners-in-life?
You should do some research on laws in your state regarding “commonlaw” relationships and “domestic partnerships.” Some states seem to regard longtime cohabiting couples with some of the same legal rights as married couples, although, based onmy own research it is still legally advantageous to be married.
Mediationwould help you and your guy to sort out some of these lingering issues and could help you and he to settle some important matters having to do with property, possessions, etc. And yes, you should both have awill! Awill is important, for the reasons you cite.
I infer that youwant to bemarried. If he is resistant or refuses, then you will have a big decision to make, regarding whether youwould rather be a girlfriend or an ex-girlfriend.
DearAmy: I’m a gayman inmy 60s, the middle son of three. My older brother was also gay and died of AIDS in the early ’90s.
My mother died in 2016, and I have a hard time when friends and relatives tellme whatmy mother did to help them and changed their lives for the better.
Shewas very outgoing and fun in public, but she was abusive and neglectful of all three sons in our youth and into adulthood. No hugs, no, “I love you” until aftermy brother died and Iwas inmy 40s.
My dilemma is what to say when people tellme what awonderful, loving womanshewas.
My brother and I have talked about howdifficult it is to respond to people making such comments.
I usually just say some version of, “Yes, shewas a special person,” but it denies the suffering that I continue to live with.
Any suggestions on what to say when people go overboardwith praise of her?
I have had counseling and I amdoingwell, but hearing such platitudes is a trigger forme to relive a painful past.
— TheTruthHurts
DearHurts: I thinkyou would feel better if you allowedyourself to respond more authentically, while not denying others’ impressions and experiences of your mother.
First off, I urge you to write down your experiences, not necessarily to share them with others, but for you to clarify your own feelings. This will help you to come to terms with your life, your relationship with your mother, and to see howyou both changed over time.
One platitude I’ve expressed regardingmy own challenging parent mightwork for you, too: Try:“Well, people are complicated. Things weren’t always easy at home, but I knowshewas a good friend.”
DearAmy: Iwas truly shocked by the question from“WorriedBro,” whose family members were participating in a larger gathering for a surprise birthday party.
Thank you for consistently advocating for safe and healthy behavior during the pandemic.
— StayingHealthy
DearHealthy: I think we each have the duty to protect ourselves, which, because of theway the COVID-19 virus spreads, also helps to protect others.