Woman wonders if her date might be gay

DearAmy: I’m awoman, dating aman younger than me. He pursuedmerelentlessly before I agreed to go outwith him.

Onour first date, I leaned in to kiss him and he got a terrified look on his face and blurted out, “I’m gay!”

I immediately left and avoided him for days.

He convincedme that hewas just trying to shock meandwas justmessing around. Maybe that’s true, but every single time we’re together he brings up different scenarios, and asksme things like, “What would you do if you caught mekissing this guy or that guy?”

I asked him the other nightwhywe never go to his place and his answer was, “I don’t know, maybe I’m gay.”

I’m pretty open-minded, but this really is getting old. I believe he might be closeted and in denial.

Any thoughts?

DearUnsure: My thoughts: If you try to kiss someone and he recoils in terror, saying, “I’m gay,” then he’s most likely gay.

If he consistently brings up scenarios where he speculates about your reaction to him kissing this guy or that, then he’s at least gay-adjacent or bicurious.

If you ask himwhy you don’t go to his place, or why he didn’t finish his entrée, orwhy he likes the color green and he says, “I don’t know, maybe I’m gay,” then— yep.

My point is that according to you, just about every question you ask him— regardless of the topic— seems to swing around to him being— gay.

There are probably many great reasons this manwants to date you.

But he also seems eager to findways to talk about his own sexuality. You could ask him if he is at a sexual crossroads. Would he like to talk about it in an honest, noninvasiveway?

If youwant to be sexually active with him and he finds all sorts of reasons to avoid or evade physical contact with you, then it’s time for you tomake a decision about being with him, based on your own desires, and not his.

DearAmy: Iama 63-year-old widower. My late wife died nine years ago. Dating has been brutal.

I dated a lady for two years. She is a nurse and is deeply involved in public health during this pandemic. It is overwhelming for her. I tried to support her with gifts, books and dinners. Over time, our relationshipwent fromintimate towearing a mask and no touching.

She hinted around and toldme that I don’t have to stay in the relationship. I told herwe couldmake it. She continued to pull back.

Finally, I called her on it. I left that evening angry.

I took a day and realized Iwasn’t angry with her but withCOVID-19. Iwrote her a card, bought her flowers and left them on her porch.

She is nowghostingme. Howdo I resolve the pain of ghosting? I’m proud that I gave the relationship 100%. Yet the emotional pain of the cutoff of communication and the pretense that I do not exist is difficult.

Howdo I deal with that? Should I send her a letter? I need/want some sense of resolution. Heck, my house has a lot of stuff fromher on the shelves!

DearLeft: Your relationship might be yet another emotional casualty of COVID-19. You seem to believe that this breakup was sudden, but itwasn’t. Your girlfriend provided multiple signals over a long period that shewas pulling away fromyou.

Yes, write to her if you believe itwould help you, understanding that it won’t change the outcome. Put the things she gave you into a box. Put the letter

(or a copy) inside. Pour yourself a drink. Close the lid. Raise a toast to the end, and resolve to let time do its magic, to heal this loss.

DearAmy: “Distressed” upset some family members by posting her own intense, personal and negative feelings about her (deceased) mother.

I recently had an extremely close friendwho died. Her husband asked meto help notify other friends, which I did, by phone. Within fiveminutes of our call, one friend had posted it on Facebook, shocking those intimate friendswhohad not been personally notified.

Itwas the height of selfishness.

DearUpset: I completely agree.