ASK AMY Letter may help make peace with emotions

DearAmy: Afewyears back, an elderly family memberpassed away and left a lotmoremoneyto my father’s brother and his wife than to other family members. Wewerenever toldwhy, andmy uncleand his wife refused to share these funds with us without expecting to bepaid back.

Last year, my parents both died, and for the last two years or so, theywere sick and I had to take care of them all the time.

My uncle and his wife live only about a half-hour away. They never offered to help out. They never visited. Whenmy mother died, they did not attend the funeral or even send mea sympathy card.

Well, Amy, needless to say, I strongly dislike these two people (as didmy late mother), and I often think of sending them a letter telling them howI feel.

My question is, how can family members be so cold-hearted? Should I send them a letter telling them howI feel?

— Hurt andAngry

DearHurt: Your deceased family member might have left more money to your uncle than to others because at one time your uncle had loaned or given that family membermoney. Your uncle might not have visited or had contact with your parents because the money— or another issue — created a rift between your father and his brother that simplywas never resolved.

That is the true tragedy of family estrangement: it is insidious and generational. I’m not offering up excuses for their behavior, but an explanation for how complex estranged relationships can become.

You should definitely write a letter to your uncle and his wife, telling them exactly howyou feel. Writing these things down might help you tomake sense of your own feelings.

Should you then send the letter? That depends. Youmight pour out your own anger and hurt feelings to peoplewho have already demonstrated that they don’t seem to care, whomight misread or misunderstand your intentions, and may share it or criticize you to other family members.

There is dignity in telling the truth. But there is also dignity in making a private peace with your own painful emotions. Any letter you send should be simple, declarative and honest, using “I statements:” “Iam sad. I amso disappointed. I wish you had behaved differently during times whenmy folks needed care and comfort.”

DearAmy: At gatherings with family or friends, my husband has a habit that I find rude. Whensomeone offers to do something helpful, such as clear dirty plates, he immediately offers to do it instead, beating the person to the task.

Often the friend or family member is left looking like their offer of a good deedwas just stolen fromthem, but he doesn’t notice.

I knowhe thinks he’s being extra nice for taking away the task, but I think it’s rude to jump on someone else’s offer of help.

Either come up with the idea yourself, or just graciously say “thank you,” when someone else offers to do something for you. What are your thoughts? — HelplessHelper

There must be more behind your resentment regarding your husband’s attempts to be helpful.

Perhaps he rarely helps at home, and you believe that he only jumps up when others are there to see and appreciate him?

Regardless of your own motivations or reactions, it is not your job to police your husband. And unless there is a more aggressive action and reaction than you describe, Iwould imagine that somewould actually feel relieved if someone else jumped up and took over a task.

DearHelpless:

DearAmy: “Concerned” wrote to you regarding receiving an annual gift of a fruitcake made by their friend, whohad been sick withCOVID-19 previously.

You blew it by not telling them that there is no risk of contractingCOVID-19 fromfood. You should not continue to perpetuate thesemyths.

— Disappointed

DearDisappointed: Yes, I should have emphasized that there is no risk of contracting the virus from consuming food or receiving packages.

I made the error of believing that thiswas commonknowledge, though itwas obvious that “Concerned” wasworried about it. Thank you for prompting this response.