ASK AMY Friend wants to ‘out’ abuser to other people

DearAmy: I recently helped one ofmy neighbors to leave her emotionally abusive/narcissist husband.

He still lives nearby and sometimes joins a “social distancing happy hour” on the block. The others don’t knowabout his horrible mistreatment of his wife.

My secret desire is to “out” him as an abuser.

Iwant to enjoy the social hour, but hate being around him, so what’s the bestway to handle this?

— HateKeepingThis Secret

DearHate: I believe that the bestway to react to this person is to claim your own space in the social sphere— and ignore him.

Actual diagnosed narcissism seems to be quite rare, but narcissistic traits are more common.

Atrue narcissist will want to provoke a response fromyou, and then will blameand bully youinto being onthe defensive— and youwon’t even realize it while it’shappening. The encounter will onlymake sense to youlater, whenyou deconstruct the dynamic.

By confronting him, you will havemade his day. He mightwalk back to his house after a confrontation, believing he’d just had a triumphant experience.

You’ve already done your job, whichwas to help a friend. Your privilege nowis to continue to behave with integrity and simply not play this game by the rules he knows, but by the rules you set. You may think to yourself: “I despise you. I’m onto you. But you don’t ‘run’me. Therefore, I have decided that you are of absolutely no consequence.”

The decision to “out” this person to otherswho knowhim should be made by his formerwife. If you did this too soon in her process, you might unwittingly invite him back into her circle, giving him rationale for contacting and trying to manipulate her, because you— her friend— had been “mean,” “unfair,” or had “embarrassed” him in front of others.

DearAmy: My husband and I have been married for 22 years. We are getting adivorce.

Iwas the main provider for the entire marriage. Becausewe didn’t have children, he justified that for his lack of income.

I amretired now. We live separately. He has asked for $500 a month for spousal support, as he had to find a job, and that is not conducive to the life he was used to.

I amgoing to relocate to Florida. Not knowingmy living expenses, should I have to support him and not live the life I’m use to?

— Baffled inNewYork

DearBaffled: This is a question you must take to an attorney. You should look for onewhois skilled in collaborative lawor mediation, in order to arrive at a fair settlement.

My understanding is that the courtwould take financial information from both of you, will take into account other factors, such as his job prospects and earning capacity, aswell as yours. The idea behind spousal support is that the main breadwinner throughout the marriage should provide for the other party to maintain a semblance of the standard of living they had during the marriage. Your joint assets and the length of the marriagewould all be factors in deciding the amount of spousal support.

Alawyerwould lead you through this process, but a negotiated agreement of $500/month for a specified period of time might ultimately be the less-expensive route for you to take.

DearAmy: “Upset Friends” reported that they disapproved of their married friend’s choice to engage in a relationship with awomannot his wife, when his wifewas suffering fromdementia.

Thank you somuchfor urging theseUpset Friends not to judge thisman unless they hadwalked in his shoes!

— BeenThere

DearBeenThere: I highly recommendmy friend journalistBarry Peterson’smemoir: “Jan’s Story: Love Lost to the Long Goodbye of Alzheimer’s,” (2010, Behler Publishing). Witnessing the devastation of dementia and the multiple ethical and relationship choices brought up by this disease challengedmy opinion.

Jan Peterson’s early-onset Alzheimer’s eventually took her entire identity. After years of caregiving, her husbandBarry eventually developed a relationship with anotherwoman, whojoined him in his loving caregiving for his wife. They called themselves “a family of three.”