ASK AMY Spouse sees union consumed by differences

DearAmy: WhenI marriedmy lovely wife, one of the reasons I wanted to spendmy life with herwas that I valued her intelligence.

Now, many years later, I can’t mention the latest pandemic news, or anything else for that matter, without her going ballistic if it doesn’t support what the (outgoing) president is espousing in his latestTweets. She believes that anything reported in the mainstreammedia is a lie.

This leaves very little for a personwhohas no political affiliation to talk to her about. She alsowants to relocate froma very nice area— and the community I have lived in allmy life, because she feels the state government is too liberal.

Any suggestionswould be appreciated.

— Lost inCalifornia

DearLost: Without judging your wife’s intelligence or political opinions, it is obvious that you two are at a relationship impasse.

Whenshe talks about moving and leaving the state, is she really talking about leaving you? It undoubtedly feels thatway to you.

Couples on opposite ends of the political spectrum can have healthy relationships as long as each recognizes the other’s point of view and tries to understand their rationale. Have your wife’s overall views toward the world changed, and if so, can she explain whenthis happened, andwhy?

Without offering kneejerk and defensive reactions to one another, you — and she— mightfinda sliver ofcommonground upon which to rebuild. And then you both can revert to the age-old wisdomof picking your battles wisely.

Marriage counseling could help you to communicate more effectively about your problems.

Her reaction to the idea of meeting with a counselorwould reveal the extent of her commitment tomoving your marriage back toward the center of your lives.

DearAmy: My close friend “Marcia” is in her early 60s. She has been seeing “Brad” offand on formany years.

Brad has a violent temper. The two of them could be floating along in Loveland, and then he will lose it, push her, yell at her, slam out of the house— and shewill be terrified.

Months or even a year will go by, and then they will get back together.

Brad apologizes, Marcia rationalizes his behavior, and then she pretends he’s the perfect man. Until he loses it again.

If I expressmy concern, she ignoresmy comments and then slowly cuts herself offfromme.

She is hypercritical of themenI date. She tellsme I could do better.

I don’t feel like this is a true friendship anymore. Advice?

— Loyal, But Lost

DearLost: Iwonder if you have ever described this pattern of your friendship’s ups and downs to “Marcia.” Itmight inspire her to see more clearly howher relationship with “Brad” impacts the rest of her friendships.

She is criticizing the menyou see because deflecting is the easiest way for her to cope with the impact of her choices. She withdraws because she has lowself-esteem, she is embarrassed, and she cannot face you.

Whena loved-one is embroiled in an abusive relationship, the fallout is depressing.

I hope youwill see through her negative behavior and simply try your very hardest to be compassionate, patient and supportive. Urge her to see a counselor. TheNational DomesticViolenceHotline (thehotline.org) offers a number of helpful suggestions forways to support someone in an abusive relationship.

DearAmy: “Concerned” reported that her very close friend had recently suffered the loss of her own dear friend, amarried manwhoConcerned suspectedwas more than “just a friend.”

You encouraged Concerned to dive in and try to figure out the nature of this relationship. Amy, it is none of her business!

— Upset

DearUpset: “Concerned” was genuinelyworried about the extreme grief her friend was experiencing over this recent death. She reported that her friend seemed towant to talk about the nature of the relationship. Because of that, I encouraged Concerned to remain available to discuss it, without judgment.