Virtual celebrations bring on IRL challenges

Dear Amy: What is the etiquette for Zoom-based celebrations?

I have attended several bridal and baby showers on Zoom that have guest lists of over 100 people, combining family from both sides, co-workers, college friends, neighbors, etc.

At the latest there were six screens of “Gallery View” faces to scroll through, guests were speaking on top of one another, and it was hard to hear what the motherto-be was saying.

I was later reminded of where the parentsto-be were registered, and learned that an in-person shower was held following the Zoom celebration.

I appreciate the Zoom option, but are these Zoom-based super-showers just a cash-grab?

In prepandemic days, my friend might have had several smaller showers with more opportunity for conversation, and the “ooohs” and “aaahs” as tiny baby items are unwrapped.

I’m becoming resentful of these chaotic digital gatherings. Could you offer some digital party etiquette and ideas?

— Curmudgeon in California

Dear Curmudgeon:

First, a comment about “super-showers.” I’ve only attended one of these, held in a hotel ballroom. Guests left their (unwrapped) gift on a banquet table and picked up their preprinted thank you card on the way out.

This was a far cry from my only other experiences: A few women gathered in someone’s living room — eating cake and “oohing and ahhing” — over what felt like a joyful initiation.

A Zoom super-shower should involve thoughtful planning and implementation. There should be one or two hosts who run or “emcee” the party. Guests should be notified of parameters beforehand. They could be asked to post their own baby pictures as avatars, share a piece of mothering advice, or be asked to hold up a picture of their favorite item from their own (or their kids’) babyhood.

The mom-to-be could be prompted to do an on-camera Q&A where she asks guests her most burning questions. The host unmutes those who want to answer; guests should also use the “chat” function to communicate.

The event should end with a group “toast” (unmuted) to the parents.

No, a Zoom supershower should not feel like a Friday night on QVC. Guests should not be prompted during the shower to send gifts.

The host could send out a thank-you email the following day, but every single guest should also be personally thanked afterward, by postal mail.

bring another gift?

Dear Amy: A friend moved up her wedding date, because of the pandemic. She and her fiancé held their wedding ceremony with only a few people in attendance.

After receiving a “change-the-date” announcement explaining why we were no longer invited to the wedding, I sent the couple a gift.

She is now going to have a reception later in the year. If invited, should I

— Re-Invited

Dear Re-Invited: The pandemic has created so many personal, social and relationship challenges, and has now brought on a new phenomenon: The “change-the-date” notice.

I hope they express appreciation for your flexibility, as well as a genuine and personal “thank you” for the wedding gift.

It is not necessary for you to give the couple another wedding gift.

Dear Amy: In a world full of human suffering, I have two female friends and a husband who seem to be incapable of showing compassion toward the plight of immigrants, the homeless or the overwhelming stress felt by our health care workers (for example). These people are all financially secure.

Is compassion a choice or are there people whose brain is wired such that it renders them incapable of feeling or displaying compassion?

I try not to be judgmental, and I do not engage conversation when remarks are made. I just want to understand them.

— Irene

Dear Irene: I believe that compassion is a choice. It can be learned, but it helps to understand that it can be frightening to open your heart to others, because to understand suffering is to get in touch with your own vulnerability.