Family illness has daughter avoiding honesty

Dear Amy: My father is on the far side of a debilitating and eventually terminal neurological disorder. He’s not able to dress himself, his language is mostly gone, and it’s depressing all around. My mother is his full-time caregiver.

I am often asked by friends, extended family, co-workers etc., “How’s your dad doing?” or “How are your parents?” especially after I return from a visit home.

After years of trying to spin things more positively, I’ve been defaulting to, “Not good” or “He’s worse; he’ll never be better.” These responses make people grimace or apologize. Is there a better way to answer this question honestly without being a real Debbie Downer?

The people asking know about his condition, so they aren’t expecting sunshine and rainbows, but I know that just because I’ve accepted how bad things are, doesn’t mean other people want an honest answer from me.

Follow-up question: When people apologize regarding his condition, how do I respond? I usually shrug and say I’m at peace with the situation, but this seems awkward.

— Depressing (but not depressed!) Daughter

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

Do you perceive that statement as an apology? Because it is not. In this context, “I’m sorry” is an expression of empathy. Your friends are saying “I’m sorry this is happening.” Because they are.

Occasionally, people delivering tough personal

Dear Daughter:

news respond to an “I’m sorry” response by saying, “Why? It’s not your fault.” This is a dismissive response to a person who is trying to be kind.

Does telling the truth about your father’s condition make you a “Debbie Downer”? No. “Woe is me, I don’t deserve this, every visit home is a depressing nightmare for me, and nobody is stepping up to help,” is how Debbie would spin her tale.

You suppose that friends and family “don’t want” an honest answer to their queries, but I think they do want your honesty, even if the truth makes them feel inadequate in the moment.

You can encourage further communication not by shrugging, but by saying, “Thank you so much for always asking about my folks. I really appreciate it, even when the news isn’t good.”

Dear Amy: When people die, are items their children (or grandchildren) gave them considered property of the parents, or are the items given back to whomever gave them to the deceased?

A grandchild gave grandparents a valuable item years ago. The grandchild slept in the house a few days after the funeral. When they left, they took the item with them.

Also, one of the grandparent’s children visited the house and took some items that their sibling had given to the grandparent.

What is proper etiquette in this situation?

— Wondering

This isn’t an etiquette question. It’s more about theft, really.

Dear Wondering:

The grandparents’ belongings are property of the estate and should be left in the home until the estate is settled. The executor or administrator of the estate is in charge of administering the will and the process of dispersing possessions.

The best way to divide possessions is with the heirs’ full cooperation.

If a grandparent left her property to her kids, ideally these children would gather in the house and divide possessions with an organized system (my family used a lottery system).

Gifts given to the deceased are often returned to the gifter, but it is vital that the heirs agree to this. Removing things without the agreement of the heirs leads to problems — and sometimes lawsuits.

Dear Amy: “Alarmed Wife” was concerned because her older husband was messaging a much younger woman on Facebook.

Thank you for pointing out that this is likely a “catfish.” You didn’t suggest the ramifications of this, however. Catfishing is popular, and they often lead to financial abuse.

Alarmed should carefully check their bank accounts. This scam often leads to requests for money or gift cards.

How do I know? I got scammed!