Candy corn? More like candy porn, am I right?
The Monmouth University Polling Institute, headed up by Patrick Murray, is one of the nation’s top polling outfits. Don’t take my word for it; FiveThirtyEight.com counts Monmouth as one of the precious few “A+” polling groups in the entire nation. Basically, the Monmouth methodology is super tight and their results closely match to what actually happens in the world.
Which is why I stand here disappointed that candy corn, the most Halloweenish candy in all the land, came in 6th place in a Monmouth poll that asked which candy was the Halloween favorite. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (36%), Snickers (18%) and M&M’s (11%) were the most popular by far, followed by plain Hershey bars and - it pains me to say this - “other” at 6%. Candy corn, at 5%, couldn’t even beat out “other.”
Maybe I should be happy candy corn rated at all; after all, look what Murray had to say in the press release: “Candy corn even making the list may surprise some people, but it is one of the top-selling Halloween candies in the country. We don’t know if it’s one of the topeaten candies, but it does have a fan base. And candy corn make great fake teeth to creep out your parents with.”
First off Murray, enough with the fake teeth, no one is ever fooling me again with that gambit.
And as for that thing about “it does have a fan base?” Come on. I call baloney. I think Americans are simply not being truthful when it comes to candy corn. I think people sneak handfuls of it when no one is looking, and then they stuff more in their pockets for later.
Candy corn is like the porn of the candy world; no one discusses it in polite company, everyone is going to underreport how much they use it, and it’s not something anyone does with an ounce of self-control. No one just goes to town on a single hand’s worth of candy corn, and that works as a metaphor for the other thing as well.
People of America, step out of the candy corn shadows and get into the candy corn streets. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Candy corn is, was, and always will be the ultimate Halloween treat.
Plus, the ingredients! (From Brach’s candy corn, the Moët & Chandon of the candy corn world.)
SUGAR: Sweet, sweet sugar.
CORN SYRUP: More sweet, sweet sugar, this time from corn or something I guess, I don’t know.
CONFECTIONER’S GLAZE (SHELLAC): Dude, sounds like more sugar, this time in “shellac” form. Who doesn’t love a good shellac-ing? (Porn metaphor!)
SALT: You will salt. {drops mic}
DEXTROSE: Not only another sugar, but rhymes with Montrose, Sammy Hagar’s first band, and Hagar went on to front Van Halen, originally fronted by David Lee Roth, who is Jewish, and he can eat Brach’s candy corn because it’s kosher. {picks up mic only to drop it again}
GELATIN: That’s collagen from the bones of animals, yo!
SESAME OIL: For a little Asian sensation.
ARTIFICIAL FLAVOR: Go ahead: Describe what candy corn tastes like. Can’t do it, right? That’s that artificial flavor wafting around, my friend. Suck it in.
HONEY: Winnie would love this.
And finally … YELLOW 6, YELLOW 5, and RED 3: Mix ‘em together and you get orange numero uno.
For the record, a serving size is 15 pieces, fat-free, cholesterol-free, and, as an added bonus, you get 44% of the FDA’s recommended sugar for the day. It’s truly nature’s perfect food. I don’t think God rested on the seventh day; I think he whipped up some candy freaking corn and ate it until he invented diabetes.
Sixth most favorite candy on Halloween? Nuh-uh, no way, no chance. You love it, you want it, you won’t stop until your ears turn tri-colored. Just admit it, you dirty little freaks. (I think I just slipped back into the porn thing, but no matter. You get my point. Candy corn rulez!) (I may or may not have had 67 pieces of it while writing this column.) die without the
Pooh