Earthling tries the Popeyes chicken sandwich
I will write my observations, as it the custom, in the local language.
TIME AND PLACE: 10:31:44 a.m., Friday, November 8, Popeyes on the
North Olden Avenue Extension in Ewing Township, Mercer County, New Jersey,
United States, North America, Earth, Milky Way, Universe #4B77LE8 (the one where Kim Kardashian is elected galactic president in 2040).
PURPOSE: To witness an Earthling eat the Popeyes fried chicken sandwich, the planet on which the sandwich originated. Please note the sandwich, which is all the rage from Xlyon to the Inner Fzziks, is only the second Earthbased item to break through the space time continuum. (The first, of course, was the Cabbage Patch Kid. I still have mine, named ‘Kirk Humphrey.’)
WHO: The Earthling in question is a male human, age 48, unshowered. His name is Jeff Edelstein, pronounced “Edel-steen,” and he has been chosen due to his propensity to talk to himself. We have found him to be a reliable narrator.
The following is a timestamped abbreviated transcript of Edelstein’s actions and discussion with himself.
10:31:45: “Mother(bleeper). Place just opened, what, 45 seconds ago and there’s already a line at the drivethru? How many cars … one, two, three, four, five, I’m six. OK. I could wait.”
10:31:46-10:42:17: {Edelstein busys himself building fantasy football lineups. Seems to going heavy on pairing Chris Godwin and Mike Evans together. He’s locking in a floor, to be certain, but he may be limiting his ceiling. Unless they both go off, then, well, he’ll be printing money.}
10:42:18: “Man, I haven’t moved. This sucks. Maybe I should’ve gone in instead? Well, I mean, I still have a bit of self-respect left. Eating alone in a Popeyes seems … I’m not ready for that. I’ll wait. What’s that smell? Aww man, that might be me. {sniffs himself} Oh yeah. That’s me. Definitely gonna shower today. I wonder what Kim Kardashian is doing right now. {He then starts scrolling through the Twitter feed of “Kim Kardashian. He does this for 16 minutes. She may want to consider a restraining order.}
10:58:03: {Edelstein orders the mild variety, without sauce. This is a surprise, and I am forced to mind warp his brain in an effort to find out his amoeba-level reasoning on this.} “Oooh. My brain tickles. So yes. I ordered the sandwich like this in an effort to compare it directly with Chick-fil-A. (NOTE: American humans love to eat chicken. Over nine billion of them are killed each year for food. Nine billion, even by galactic standards, is a big number. Consider: If you lined those chicken up ass-to-beak we’re talking a line of ass-to-beaked chicken 355,000 miles long. That can get you from Earth to Mars and back with plenty of chickens to spare.)
11:05:23: “Finally! My chicken! Nom-nom-nom. {He rips it out of the bag and begins eating before he makes a questionable turn onto Olden.} Oooh … OK. Yum. Very, very juicy. That’s a surprise. It kind of tastes exactly like a fried chicken breast on the bone, but without the bone. Yep, it’s juicy. Need a napkin. {He reaches into the passenger seat to find a napkin in the bag and nearly sideswipes a car, causing the car to honk its horn.} HEY (BLEEP) YOU! I’M EATIN’ ‘ERE! OK … tasting notes. The roll is good, firm, yet soft, brioche I guess, but you know, fastfood brioche. Nice crisp on the chicken, but not like the chicken tenders here, which is like half-crisp, half-chicken. A lot more chicken than crisp on the sandwich. Probably 90/10.. Did I say it was juicy? Very good. Oooh. Some crisp fell on my sweatshirt.” {Instead of using his fingers to eat the “crisp” off his sweatshirt, he brings his sweatshirt to his mouth, giving the appearance of a Sqaatienyht making love to a Ffdt. It is alarming.}
11:06:35: “Welp, looks like I’ll be washing this sweatshirt. It’s been a good run over these last 17 months. But yes. The sandwich. Worth the 30 minute wait? I mean, of course not, but if you want to be an American today, you’ve got to do it. It was good really good - but I’d probably choose the Chick-fil-A sandwich over it. It’s close, though. Really close.
CONCLUSIONS: 1) American Earthlings have gone ga-ga for Popeye’s chicken sandwich. It makes sense, as they love chicken and they love new stuff and they love being part of the crowd. The mania for the sandwich should wear off in the coming weeks. 2) Kim Kardashian has a nice butt. 3) Edelstein should shower first, leave the house second.