Marijuana is about to be legal in New Jersey — here’s your handy-dandy guide

OK, yesterday I told you all about the time I tried magic mushrooms (why? Because Gov. Phil Murphy is expected to sign a law making possession of these mind-expanders a disorderly persons offense, and thus don’t be surprised to start seeing them floating around like it’s Woodstock) and today it’s marijuana, something that half of us have smoked at one time or another in our lives.

For instance, I smoked marijuana in the 1990s.

As in, the entirety of the

1990s. As in, any “Friends” episode I’ve ever watched watched stoned.

Have I dabbled since then? I’ve dabbled. Now and again. Not like the old wake n’ bake days, which again stretched from roughly the summer of 1990 straight on through to June of 1999, when I realized “being high all day” and “living a moderately productive adult life, you know like with a job and a girlfriend and stuff” were more or less mutually exclusive. (Also, please note I started this job in January, 1999. You do the math.)

But now, with marijuana about to go as mainstream as pork roll and tomato pie here in New Jersey, I thought a little public service for the half of you who haven’t tried marijuana is in order. So here’s a handy “do’s and don’ts” list in case you decide to partake.

DO use the word “partake,” as it’s the universally accepted form for asking someone if they smoke marijuana. “Do you partake?” In fact, I’m relatively sure the first time the word was ever used was in “Cheech and Chong’s Up in Smoke.”

DON’T use the word “partake”

I’ve if you don’t plan on smoking marijuana, because everyone who does will assume you do.

DO know what you’re buying, which won’t be an issue once weed shops pop up around town. Quick and dirty guide: Sativadominant strains will get you focused and energized and, at least in my experience, make you a little bit racy, whereas indica-dominant strains will make you want to melt into your couch and bingewatch “Friends.”

DO NOT do bong hits in a car. The risk of spillage is too great. Also: Do not smoke marijuana while driving, and do not smoke marijuana and then drive. To be perfectly clear: Being high and driving is irresponsible. It is nowhere near as bad as drinking and driving, but still: There’s really no reason to be doing it. So don’t.

DO enjoy edibles responsibly. Important to note that when one smokes marijuana, the effects are felt immediately. When one eats marijuana-infused edibles, the effects can take two or more hours to hit.

DO NOT enjoy edibles irresponsibly, even though everyone eventually does. My story: I was given a brownie. It was homemade, not even from a dispensary. I should’ve thrown it out. Instead, I ate half of it. Nothing happened. So about 90 minutes later, I ate the other half. About an hour later, I ended up eating a chicken nugget with barbecue sauce and said, aloud, to no one, “Oh my god this is the most delicious thing I’ve ever eaten … uhoh.” Uh-oh indeed, as that everso-delicious barbecue-sauced chicken nugget flipped the switch in my head and I realized I Maureen Dowd’ed myself. At least, as a former pro smoker, I knew the effects would eventually wear off, but let me tell you: I was not of this universe for a few hours there. It was scary, and I knew what was going on. If I didn’t know what was going on … eeesh. So for real: Do not mess with edibles. Go sloooooooooooow.

DO talk with your kids about marijuana. No one talked to me about it, short of the “This is your brain on drugs” commercials. Would I have not partaked if someone sat me down and explained it all to me? Um, no, I’m sure I definitely would’ve partook, but it would’ve been nice to hear about it. Weed has always been easy to get if you want it; obviously, now that it’s legal, it will be even easier. Talking to your kids honestly about the effects of marijuana needs to happen immediately.

DO NOT smoke marijuana with your kids, at least until they’re adults. Let’s be real here.

DO make sure you have a supply of salty and sweet snacks if you’re going to give this whole weed thing a whirl. Pro tip: Chocolate covered pretzels.

And lastly,

DO NOT bogart the joint, man.