New Year’s resolutions for rockers who need them
Just like you and I, there are rockers, rollers and other assorted musical miscreants out there who need help keeping their declared promises to make the next 12 months better than the dozen prior. It shouldn’t be that hard to improve upon the raging dumpster fire of 2020, but – hey – people thought the new decade was going to bring beautiful things and look how that turned out.
All that said, welcome to this year’s edition of Rock Music Menu’s ‘ New Year’s Resolutions for Rockers Who Need Them,” where we assist the often otherwise occupied musicians with setting goals for the coming year. It’s not an easy job, but one that has to be done.
Even in the midst of a pandemic, additions can be made onto the success rate this space has had in making recommendations, with last year’s urging of AC/DC to put out a tribute effort to the late Malcolm Young and return to glory. The Aussies did so in the new LP “Power Up,” which was one of the best rock records of the year.
We also told Slayer to stay retired – admittedly not hard for them to do given the circumstances – and Metallica to not stop, which was a difficult one in retrospect. The latter didn’t disappoint though, crowning themselves “Pandemica” and doing one of the most successful drive-in concert broadcasts of the summer, on top of putting out the well-reviewed “S&M2” sequel to 1999’s joint live performance with the San Francisco Symphony.
This year we start off like a trepidatious fawn
about to take its first steps on legs not quite strong enough to support the body. No one know what is going to happen and we’re all a bit nervous…so let’s have at it with the suggestions and quietly whisper “Happy New Year!”
So, here’s the thing: we all miss concerts. Every music lover out there wishes they could be rocking out at Citizens Bank Park the next time Billy Joel rolls through for a summer show. Well, maybe not everyone, but that’s not the point. Acts like Joel, Taylor
Swift (more on her later), the Stones, Kenny Chesney, etc., they all need to stand back once all of this stress on large scale gatherings calms.
The aforementioned have enough money. The artists who need to survive by playing spots like Union Transfer, the TLA, the Fillmore, World Café Live, etc., do not. When some fan of Joel is trying to decide between him on a ballfield and an up and coming performer on the schedule for Franklin Music Hall? The Piano Man always wins. The kids are struggling, much like the coal mining families from Allentown you sang about in the early ‘80s. Help them out by staying home … they’re already closing all the music venues down.
WHO: MUSIC FESTIVAL ORGANIZERS RECOMMENDED RESOLUTION: HOLD OFF UNTIL 2022
No matter what happens – even if everyone on the planet gets a vaccination shot for COVID-19 tomorrow morning – nobody wants to be pressed flesh-toflesh against a bunch of randos at Coachella or Bonnaroo anytime soon. First of all, the PTSD will run too deep. Those who believe in the pandemic are still going to be sketched out with all the mouth breathers who ate too much spicy pizza and funnel cake before seeing the latest electropop act on the Pavilion Stage at Firefly. All the rest will be at the Ted Nugent show at the Bottle and Cork in Dewey Beach. And it’s too close! There may not be a six-foot distance mandate, but keep your sweat off my new Ray Bans.
WHO: TAYLOR SWIFT RECOMMENDED RESOLUTION: WHATEVER YOU’RE DOING – DON’T STOP
It’s very, very hard to feel bad for a girl from Reading, Pa., who made it massive as a country girl from Nashville – replete with an added-for-authenticity thick Southern accent – crying about being churned up and spit out by the big bad machinations of fame. But at the very least, Taylor Swift deserves commendation for completely flipping the script – and the middle finger – at her detractors. She kicked off the year with “Miss Americana,” a documentary that has a surprisingly lo-fi feel for such a superstar and makes even the most “over her” understand the ancillary crap she is going through.
There was a very public battle she got into with the punchable-faced Scooter Braun, who was kind enough (insert sarcasm here) to allow Swift to bid on her back catalog he purchased prior to auctioning off its contents to the highest bidder. That was nothing compared to the singer/songwriter delivering two surprise full-length albums in 2020, “Folklore” in July and “Evermore” in December, both of which defied expectations among the jaded sect because of its artistry while leaving her hardcore fans bewildered. Maybe you’re still a hater. Also maybe you need to listen to both of those new LPs and understand why Swift is in this column right now.
WHO: THE BLACK RECOMMENDED RESOLUTION: PICK UP THE PHONE
Look, we get it. You can do your thing solo. The Sensational Space Shifters? Brilliant. The Grammy Award winning tact with Alison Krauss? Nobody expected that one. You are the Tall Cool One (and built to please), fine. Your old mate though? Jimmy Page? He needs some assistance. Guy has been threatening an album for about eight years but delivered nothing. Why? Methinks it’s because of you. He needs a singer Robert. He needs you. Jimmy needs you. We all need you back together again. No, it will never be Led Zeppelin, but the two of you together? That’s just the thing this world needs right now.
WHO: EVERY OTHER ARTIST RECOMMENDED RESOLUTION: REUNITE
It’s very simple; did you break up over the past 20 years? Get back together. Follow the leader. Look at bands like Rage Against the Machine and My Chemical Romance, the options are limitless. Don’t stick around until the end of time waiting for the cash to some in to bring you back to the stage – do it now.
WHO: ARTISTS WHO CAN FILL STADIUMS RECOMMENDED RESOLUTION: STAY HOME UNTIL 2022