Eclipses and earthquakes, oh my; any more trouble coming?

It’s been an eventful few days around these parts. Of course I’m talking about the solar eclipse, which was expected, and the earthquake, which was not expected.

First up, the eclipse: Pretty cool, even though the skies got cloudy like 15 minutes before we hit that 90% threshold. Nonetheless, it was cool to see, and now I’m kinda sad I didn’t travel a bit to see the totality.

But don’t worry! For those of you that want to stay in your backyard and witness a total solar eclipse, New Jersey will be getting one on May 1.

That’s May 1, 2079, to be clear. Lemme do a little math here … I’ll be 107 years old.

Well, I guess if I ever want to see a total eclipse of the sun, I’ll be doing some traveling.

At least I have earthquakes to look forward to/worry about. For real: What’s with the earthquake?

It registered a 4.8, which marks the biggest quake in the state since Chris Christie sat down in that beach chair, hey-oh!

Actually, it was the biggest since 1783. No joke there. Of course, a 4.8 isn’t exactly earth-shaking. (Well, I mean, it technically is earth-shaking, but you get the idea.)

As my San Franciscodwelling brother quipped when he heard of our quake, “I can eat a bowl of hot soup on my lap at that level.”

Nonetheless, I don’t generally like the feeling of the earth moving under my feet, and I can assure you I would loathe the feeling of the sky tumbling down.

Which brings me to tornados.

I don’t remember tornados in New Jersey when I was a kid. But now? Feels like every spring and summer, we’re hearing about tornadoes and their evil cousin, the straight-line wind.

If I wanted to worry about tornadoes, I’d move to Oklahoma or something. I don’t need tornado stress in my life, and yet, here we are. I’ve been to the basement a few too many times the last few years.

Let’s not forget about hurricanes, even though for all the worry we have about hurricanes, they never seem to do that much damage in New Jersey. Yes, Superstorm Sandy, I remember, but really: Every year there’s always a big threat, every year not much happens.

Famous last words as we put masking tape on our windows in a few months time …

Can we talk about heat waves while we’re here? Been getting hotter and hotter every summer. Bound for some kind of heat-related disaster at some point.

Tsunami? No. No! Yes? Two of them in New Jersey history, one in 1938, the other in 1944? For real? Oh sheesh.

Let’s not forget the threat of wildfires. After all — insert Debbie Downer meme — the Pine Barrens is ripe to be the site of the single worst wildfire in American history. There was a whole article in “Rolling Stone” about it a few years back.

All right. I meant to write a fun little column about eclipses and earthquakes and I’ve ended up causing myself to take a Xanax. Have a nice day.