A woman weighs in on a category of men’s work

I believe in equality. If the desire is there, women should do so-called “men’s work” and men should do so-called “women’s work” … except when it comes to the removal of creepy critters that are dead, should be dead or are dying.

That’s totally men’s work.

The sounds, smells and sights of critters being critters whilst dead or alive are assaults against our feminine sensibilities.

I think even women who aren’t extremely feminine can get behind that statement to some degree.

To put it plain and simple, when it comes to the removal of critters, I am a total sexist.

Women — ALL WOMEN — should get a pass on this one unless she is trying to prove some sort of sick point.

Girlfriend, I know you are powerful and independent. You don’t have to do that.

A Constitutional Amendment is clearly in order:

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, ensure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense … should have men remove All Dead or Dying Critters.

It is an outrage, our nation’s greatest shame, that there is no national hotline for the women among us who do not have a man right there ready to remove mice, spiders and other dastardly varmint.

A woman can do it herself — and by golly many of us do — but we shouldn’t have to do this clearly icky man business. Dudes, don’t get mad. Removing vermin is part of what nature wants you to do.

Little boys become men and everyone knows boys are made of snakes and snails and puppy dog tails.

Facts are facts and that one is written down. Google it if you don’t believe me.

Webster defines “man” this way: “an adult male human being who removes unwanted creatures — dead, dying or being creepy — for his female friends, relations or random neighbor throwing a fit.”

It should be no deal for men to remove a mouse from the family dog’s mouth trap, a bat in an attic or in my case recently, a dead baby possum in the garage.

My husband’s reward for scooping said dead baby possum up with a shovel and chucking it back to nature was a sincere “you’re my hero.”

It is that kind of caveman behavior that impresses me. I don’t make the rules.

Everyone knows women are descendents of girls oozing sugar, spice and other such nice things.

Gross stuff is not on our ingredients label. I checked.

It is an offense, a clear violation of natural law, that there is not a “handle this nature problem” button a woman or girl can push to trigger a signal in her appointed male’s brain when beasts of the urban

wild are spotted where beasts of the urban wild should not be.

Instead, we are made to scream bloody murder.

That fact is a reason to scream bloody murder.