Why don’t brussels sprouts taste like bacon?

Fact: saturated fat is delicious.

The thought of meat drippings penetrating already fatty meats releases chewing endorphins in my brain. (That’s probably not a real thing).

I certainty LIKE veggies, but I LOVE them when they are sauteed (a nicer way of saying fried) or otherwise improved with butter, lard or some sort of cheesy, artery clogging sauce.

This clearly is not something to be proud of.

The American Heart Association says people should get only 5 to 6 percent of calories from saturated fat.

That recommendation doesn’t change the aforementioned fact.

All that bad stuff tastes really good.

I wantz it like Gollum wants the ring.

Salty fats aren’t the only “bad things” that are craved in the same way zombies crave brains.

I am a fan of meats, salts and salty meats.

My sixth-grade teacher predicted I would be.

I distinctly remember Mrs. Overby saying that if you eat too much sugar as a kid, you are going to be drawn to the salts as an adult.

She claimed that something happens to your taste buds.

I thought Overby was overly crazy and continued to shove Little Debbie snack cakes in my mouth like a BEAST!

There was not a box of Fudge Rounds that I could not finish. The Nutty Buddy was a best buddy.

This was not a big deal. My metabolism was fast and I could lift my arms and lose all of those Nutty Buddy calories.

Today, I can take desserts or leave them, but am a savory fiend.

I try to be good and goo with good fats like you find in avocados, the magical fruit from Mexico.

But let’s be honest, avocados are fantastic stuffed in cheese, wrapped in bacon, rolled in flour and fried.

I have no proof, but I think Overby was on to something with the whole taste buds thing.

Science should come up with a shot — a silver bullet that will make carrots tastes more like rib meat or Hellmann’s Mayonnaise.

Asparagus is delicious but think about how much more delicious it would be if asparagus tastes more like fried turkey skin.

There are few things better than brussels sprouts in bacon.

Let’s cut out the middlemen.

The world would be so much better if raw, un-bothered brussels sprouts naturally tasted like bacon.