A bad spouse to you can still be great parent to your child

Preschool children from divorced parents did better psychologically if they lived in shared parenting environments compared with kids living primarily with one parent, according to recently published research in Acta Paediatrica.

Experts reviewed the adjustment of 3,656 Swedish children living in two-parent families, joint custody environments, or with one parent after a divorce. It’s traditionally been argued that young children (aged 3 to 5) need the stability and consistency of one home, but this research found that assumption to be false.

This study makes me very uneasy. I’m fearful that attorneys and others will use this research to justify shared parenting arrangements that are harmful to kids. Joint custody remains uncommon for some very good reasons.

People divorce for many reasons, but there are typically significant issues with communication, problem-solving, and trust. Those are exactly the skills needed to make joint custody successful for kids. In some ways, shared parenting makes no sense. We’re asking parents who failed at the skills needed to maintain their marriage to use those skills in a very challenging parenting role.

I’m not condemning all joint custody arrangements, just arguing that it is extraordinarily difficult for divorced parents to work together. It’s hard to put aside intense feelings of hurt, betrayal, distrust, and anger for the sake of the kids. When that can be done, children from divorced parents do well.

These situations are among the most challenging I confront in my office. Therapists are supposed to be calm, objective, warm, but analytic. However, I get incredibly upset in hearing the pain and anguish of children trying to make some sense of their divorced parents’ bickering, arguing, and insults. The pain these kids feel is intense, long-lasting, and often unnecessary if only their parents would behave properly.

I get frustrated because I don’t know what to say to these divorced parents to help them realize that while their behavior may make them feel good, it has terrible consequences for their children. I ask parents to love their kids more than they dislike their ex-spouse, and stop the eye-rolling, sarcasm, and whining.

Joint custody is something you should consider if it’s really in the best interests of your child. This means you need to consider your child’s activities, education, and personality and balance that against your work schedules and other priorities. It helps if you live in close physical proximity to your ex-spouse. Mostly, it requires that you accept that a bad spouse may still be a great parent, and you are committed to using skills in being a parent that you were unable to use as a spouse.

Next week: My letter to Santa

Dr. Ramey is the executive director of Dayton Children's Hospital's Pediatric Center for Mental Health Resources and can be contacted at Rameyg@childrensdayton. org.

Dear readers: Of course, family and friends will come to visit during the holidays. As much as you love them and want to host them, it can be a bit trying sometimes. Here’s how to make their stays less stressful:

■ Tell your guests about your schedules, such as when you get up and start your day. Then they can let you know if they get up earlier, and you can set out breakfast the night before Ñ coffee cups, plates, bowls, napkins and dry cereal. Show them where everything is in the kitchen.

■ Inform your guests about the usual times you eat lunch and dinner so they can coordinate their schedules.

■ If your guests are staying with you for a few days, show them where the washer and dryer are so they can do their own laundry.

■ Ask your guests to share their other activities and plans so it will be easier to coordinate everyone’s schedules. — Heloise

Pet safety

Dear readers: The holidays can be dangerous for your pets. Be alert because curious pets can get into holiday decorations, including tinsel and icicles, water from the Christmas tree and anything else that may be enticing É but harmful to them. Some holiday plants also can injure your pets if they chew or eat them, including Christmas cacti, mistletoe and holly. Keep them out of your pet’s reach. You and your guests also should not feed pets from the table or give them rich holiday food. — Heloise

Other uses for margarine tubs

Dear readers: Are old margarine tubs clogging your cupboards? Here are some uses to recycle them:

■ Sort nuts, bolts, screws and nails in the workshop.

■ Store leftovers.

■ Hold birdseed.

■ Make good travel organizers for pet food and water. — Heloise

Create a memorable holiday tablecloth

Dear readers: To make a lasting memorial of holiday gatherings, cover the table with a plain tablecloth over a table pad. Provide permanent or cloth markers or fabric paint for your