Debt is not a secret you should keep from partner

I’m overwhelmed by student loan and credit card debt, and I’m embarrassed to admit it to my partner. Should I come clean?

Some secrets are harmless, like eating the last slice of your partner’s favorite cake.

But hiding thousands of dollars in debt does not fall into the “harmless” category.

Having debt could directly affect your partner: Maybe you’re unable to contribute to joint savings or keep up with your share of the bills, or you’ll have a harder time qualifying for a mortgage as a couple.

The debt might not come as a surprise if, say, your partner already knows about your lavish sneaker-buying habit. But the longer you wait to divulge the details of your financial stress, the more betrayed your beloved may feel when you eventually do it, says Don Cole, clinical director of the Seattle-based Gottman Institute, which conducts research on relationships.

“It’s better to be honest than to get caught,” Cole says. “The relationship is going to be able to repair much better from a shared problem than one that’s discovered.”

Gather the facts

First, nail down the specifics of the debt, says Kelly Luethje, a certified financial planner.

Understand your loans’ and credit cards’ outstanding balances, accompanying interest rates and payoff dates. That may help you gain control, and it’s also the first step toward developing a plan to get out of debt.

Time it right

Confessing your debt balance isn’t first-date fodder. Tell your partner the truth once the relationship gets serious.

At the very least, get everything out in the open before you decide to move in together. At that point, your debt will have an immediate financial impact on your partner. A credit card balance at the top of your credit limit means a lower credit score. And that could make getting an apartment together challenging.

If you’ve been together for more than six months or you’re already shacked up, don’t panic. But prepare to spill the beans soon. Cole explains it this way: After the fun and excitement of first falling in love, the next step is to make sure we can be our true selves with our partners.

“That is an essential phase in developing a lifelong, happy relationship,” he says. And it takes trust, which you build by being honest and transparent.

Broach subject gently

Ask your partner to set aside time to talk. Pick a weeknight rather than a Friday or Saturday, says W. Bradford Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia. He says weekends should be reserved for having fun, reconnecting and spontaneity.

Try starting the conversation with an “I feel” statement, followed by what you’re concerned about and what you need next. You might say, “I worry about talking to you about money, but because I love you, I need to tell you about my finances.”

Explain the circumstances. Are you spending beyond your means, or did you pay for school without any help from family? Has your behavior changed, or is spending still an issue?

Then talk about how you plan to pay it off. Work on eliminating credit card debt first. And think of coming clean as a positive step.