Tipping: 10 percent of this group leave no percent

According to results of a survey published this week, millennials are lousy tippers. (I’m not sure who millennials are, exactly; some sources say they’re people born between 1982 and 2002. Others insist it’s anyone who never used a rotary phone. But the report by creditcards.com said it included ages 18-37, so let’s go with that).

Whoever they are, a lot of restaurant servers don’t want to see them coming. Because 10 percent of the millennials in the survey said they typically leave no tips while just three percent of older people don’t. “People have jobs, but they’re not getting raises, and life is just expensive,” an analyst explained.

I can understand that; smart phones, Xboxes and tattoos don’t come cheap. We older people, on the other hand, have all sorts of money to throw around. At least until Social Security goes broke, medical bills suck up our life savings and we all have to go live in cardboard boxes down by the river.

But as someone born in a time before generations considered themselves so important they had to have names, I’ve always tipped. If the server stands at the kitchen door and throws my order across the room, I’ll still leave 10 percent. Or 15 percent if the food lands right side up.

I’d like to say that’s because I’m a generous person, but the truth is, it’s because I’m a coward. If I don’t leave a generous tip, I’m afraid the server will think I’m a cheapskate and remember me the next time I come back. Why I’d want to go back to a restaurant where the server stands at the kitchen door and throws my order at me is a good question. But I tend to have memory lapses.

And I do have certain rules.

I deduct the tax when I calculate the tip.

I tip 15 or 20 percent, but never 18. By the time I deduct the tax on a $23.68 lunch and calculate 18 percent of the remainder, the server will be at another table taking dinner orders. I’ve tried using a tipping app on my phone, but by the time I locate it and figure out how to use it the restaurant will be out of business.

I tip extra if the server doesn’t address my wife and me as “you guys.” And double for any server who doesn’t bring my plate with his or her thumb in the food.

Eventually the whole tipping process may go away, as it has in other countries. But, until then, here’s my tip for the 10 percent of millennials and three percent of older people who stiff their underpaid servers:

If you can’t afford to tip, stay home and eat Ramen noodles.