He’s not in a Sunshine State of mind

Autumn is here, winter is lurking around the corner and people all over this part of the country are talking about heading to Florida. Especially at our house.

With the approach of every winter, in fact, my wife and I talk about spending time in Florida. But before we can get around to making reservations it’s too late and Florida already is full of Canadians. Mostly that’s because we can’t agree on the definition of “time.” She’d like to spend a month. I’m holding out for a week. First of all, I’m not sure how we could pack for a month away from home. We stuff our car’s trunk with suitcases and the backseat with assorted “necessities” just to take a trip for a weekend. For a month, I’m pretty sure we’d be calling Atlas Van Lines.

There are some good reasons to spend more than a few days in Florida, such as waking up every morning, calling your friends back home and saying, “Hey, how’s the weather up there?” Other than that, I’m not sure how we’d spend our time. A lot of people like going to Florida in the winter so they can golf every day, but I’m not old enough for golf. As far as I’m concerned, golf is just one step away from shuffleboard.

Deep-sea fishing is another popular timewaster; Florida travel brochures are filled with photos of happy people reeling in leaping sailfish. The only time I went deep sea fishing all I caught was something that resembled a listless carp and a dose of seasickness that had me hoping the boat would sink.

Tennis might be an option if I can find a court when it’s not too hot outside, which is anytime between 6 and 7 a.m. And there are great seafood houses down there, but the only fish I’ll eat more than once a month is canned tuna, which probably is every bit as good up here as it is down there.

Maybe we could do touristy things, like going to Disney World. According to its figures, an average of 56,000 people a day do that. So I’m pretty sure the line for Splash Mountain starts in Valdosta, Ga. Or I guess we could visit friends, although we only know a few people in Florida and the ones we do know probably moved there to get away from us in the first place.

And, of course, there’s always going to the beach. But after three or four days of blazing sun and cleaning sand out from between my toes and various orifices, I’m pretty sure I’d be looking forward to a nice refreshing blizzard.