Diligent college student has less time for old friends
Dear Abby: I’m in my early 20s and the only one in my circle of friends who’s currently in college. They all want to hang out all the time, but most of them live more than 100 miles away. I have a strict school schedule, and I’m required to study and earn high grades or I will be let go from my university. I don’t like feeling like I’m being a jerk telling my friends I can’t make it to certain events. How can I explain to them that I can’t drive there every weekend to hang out? Sometimes I wonder if we’re growing apart because they aren’t doing the same things I’m doing. Is there something wrong with me because I’m still holding on? How can I explain to them that we can’t be as close as we were? If you could help me figure out how to explain my situation without feeling guilty, it’d be great. — Busy in Canada
Dear Busy: There is nothing wrong with you. Relationships do not always stay static. Most of them ebb and flow as yours are, so please stop flogging yourself for making mature choices.
Being able to prioritize is a skill you should be proud of. You don’t need to make any grand speeches to your old friends about why you see them less often. Just continue explaining that for now your education must take precedence over your social life because if it doesn’t, you may not be able to earn your degree. If your old friends are really friends, they’ll understand.
P.S. Look at the bright side. If you aren’t spending chunks of your weekends driving back to your hometown, you will have more time to develop new friendships at school, some of which may last a lifetime.
Dear Abby: May I offer a suggestion to pet owners who hire pet sitters during the holidays? If you are happy with their services, consider giving them a tip.
Every year I am astounded at the number of clients who don’t give me a gratuity on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Many — if not most — tell me how pleased they are with my services, but surprisingly few do anything more than that. I confess, it makes me feel underappreciated.
Often, when I ask friends if they tip their sitters, they say it never occurred to them! So if you have a reliable sitter and you’re happy with his or her work, please give them a little bit extra for working on the holidays when most of us relax and celebrate with our families. — Cat Sitter in San Francisco
Dear Sitter: Tipping at holiday time can be stressful, and not everyone considers an independent contractor someone to whom they need to give extra money. (Would you be comfortable getting a fruitcake instead?) While I’m pleased to put the word out for you, because you feel you aren’t being properly compensated, perhaps you should consider raising your fees in November and December. Gregory Ramey
Mental health visits to the nation’s 45 children’s hospitals emergency departments increased 56 percent between 2012 and 2016, according to research recently presented at the American Academy of Pediatrics Conference in Florida. The overall rate rose from 50.4 per 100,000 patient visits in 2012 to 78.5 in 2016.
There were some significant and disturbing racial differences in frequency of mental health emergencies, with the usage rate lowest for Hispanic patients (38.1), and highest for nonHispanic black youth (78.4), with non-Hispanic whites being 51.5 per 100,000 visits.
This report represents both good and bad news for our kids. From one perspective, these visits reflect both a greater awareness of mental health issues and a willingness by parents to seek help. However, in many situations emergency departments are not the best places to seek help, reflecting the dearth of communitybased resources and the desperation of parents.
An emergency department visit is appropriate whenever you have concerns about your child’s imminent risk to harm herself or others, or if your child needs immediate medical care for an attempted suicide.
Visits to the emergency department can feel confusing and chaotic for both kids and parents. Here is what you can do to mitigate that anguish.
1. Get information. If time allows, try to understand the process about what exactly is going to happen during your visit. Kids, and their parents, get anxious about what they don’t know. While a lifethreatening situation of a child overdosing on drugs will be treated immediately, there could be a long wait to see a behavioral clinician to evaluate your child.
2. Have realistic expectations.
Pediatric emergency departments do a great job in managing crisis situations, and keeping your child safe. However, don’t expect one visit to a crisis center to resolve long-standing problems.
3. Communicate concern, not condemnation. This is a tough and tumultuous time for both you and your child. You may be feeling lots of self-doubt as a parent, anger at your child and confusion about what’s happening. This is a time to put aside your hurt feelings, and communicate love rather than censure to your child.
4. Follow-up care. A mental health emergency, although scary and traumatic, is also an opportunity. This may be the first time that your child has been open with you about the turmoil and anguish they are experiencing. Commit to working as a family to seek ongoing therapy.
Please avoid your emergency department for routine mental health problems. Contact your child’s doctor or a counselor at school for assistance in locating community resources.
Next week: Why are our kids so lonely?
Please avoid your emergency department for routine mental health problems.
Dr. Ramey is the executive director of Dayton Children's Hospital's Pediatric Center for Mental Health Resources and can be contacted at Rameyg@childrensdayton. org.