Thoughts on toxic relationships, privacy and ‘what are we’

Every so often, I get a question or two (or 20) that apply to more than one person. Today, I want to share three recent questions I received and how I answered them: What is a toxic relationship, and how do you know if my texting is contributing to it?

At its simplest, a toxic relationship is one where you’re left to feel lessthan from your partner. He/she puts you down or in some other way makes you feel insecure or just plain unhappy.

As far as texting goes, it should not be a substitute for a real, in-person conversation.

So, if your partner’s texting makes you feel belittled, stupid, annoying, or any combination of these, then you need to stop texting and talk.

Communication is the cornerstone of any good relationship, so it has to start there. People respond well to, “When you ———, it makes me feel ——— .” For example, “When you tell me that my idea is dumb, it makes me feel hurt, like you don’t respect me.” “When you criticize my clothing, it makes me feel insecure and like you’re not attracted to me.” Often, how you disagree is indicative of the type of relationship you have. How important is privacy in a relationship? Like, should I have my boyfriend’s phone password? Actually, is it normal to ask for someone’s password, or does it show a lack of trust?

Every relationship is different.

As such, there’s no “normal” when it comes to couple’s behaviors. If you want to know your partner’s passwords because you don’t trust him/her, then there are bigger issues that need to be discussed together.

Why are you having trust issues? Is it due to a prior breach of trust in a past relationship, or is there something in your current relationship that’s making you feel insecure? For the former, it’s important not to project past experiences onto a new partner but rather work through them (with the help of a good therapist).

And for the latter, you should talk to your partner about why you have these suspicions.

If you and your partner have each other’s passwords for logistical reasons — children, emergencies, etc. — then it’s up to the couple to set boundaries and align expectation as to when logging into someone else’s account/phone is appropriate. What is the best way to bring up the “what are we” conversation? And what if the person I’m seeing doesn’t respond the way I want?

There’s really no way to get over the anxiety of the “What are we?” conversation, especially if you don’t already know the answer. But, like taking off a BandAid, sometimes you just have to start, even if you’re scared.

I encourage you to think about why you’re nervous, though.

Is it because you don’t think you’re looking for the same things? In that case, I contend that it’s always better to know sooner rather than later so that you can make an educated decision as to whether to stay with this person. (For example, if you want to be exclusive and he doesn’t, once you know that, it’s up to you to decide whether to bide your time or break things off.) The longer you wait to ask because of sheer nerves or subconsciously already knowing your goals are not aligned, the more emotionally you’ll be invested when you do eventually talk it through.

A good way to start the conversation is “What are you looking for?” That opens the door. Erika Ettin is the founder of A Little Nudge, where she helps others navigate the often intimidating world of online dating. Want to connect with Erika? Join her newsletter, eepurl.com/dpHcH