Helping teens deal with intimate-partner violence

We are a violent nation. Sometimes that aggression is directed externally, with more than 17,000 homicides every year. At other times, we harm ourselves, with more than 44,000 suicides.

There are around 1,300 child homicide victims every year, an extraordinarily high number compared with other industrialized countries. A recent study in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine provided new insights into the killing of our kids.

Avanti Adhia and colleagues found that about 20 percent of child homicides were related to intimate-partner violence.

The most common cases involved an ex-partner who took actions against an estranged spouse and then killed the children. Extremely violent acts typically occurred as a result of a breakup, separation or custody issue. In many of these situations, the perpetrator then killed himself.

This research involved reading and categorizing how our kids are being killed.

These are very disturbing stories — the drowning of a 5- and 6-year-old by a dad who then hanged himself; the hanging of a 1-year-old and 2-yearold by a dad who then killed himself. In other situations, children were killed by ex-boyfriends of a mom.

Violence in intimate relationships starts early. The Centers for Disease Control reported that about 23 percent of women and 14 percent of men experience violence from their partner while dating as teens.

Here is what I tell these teens when they begin dating:

1. One strike, you’re out. I am amazed at how victims (mostly younger girls) can justify and minimize the verbal and physical aggression that occurs to them while dating.

Many young people feel that they can change the behavior of the aggressor by understanding, support, and avoiding the triggers that prompted the violence. Love and acceptance won’t change the violent ways some teens deal with frustration.

I tell teens that for their emotional and physical safety, they should immediately separate from their partner if there is a single instance of actual or threatened violence. Most teens do not accept that advice. The desire to be loved causes these kids to minimize the risks.

2. For aggressive teens, stop dating. Many kids start early dating relationships as a way to deal with a family history of turmoil and disturbance.

Teens from dysfunctional families tell me they would never drink or intentionally act aggressively given the traumatic experiences they had in such households.

However, for many kids, their families provided the role model for how to resolve conflicts and deal with difficulties. If kids have any history of violence, I urge them to avoid intimate relationships until they learn how to manage their emotions without hitting and abusing other people.

Next week: Good news about our kids.

Dr. Ramey is the executive director of Dayton Children's Hospital's Pediatric Center for Mental Health Resources and can be contacted at Rameyg@childrensdayton. org.

Dear readers: If you want to have a tangible and lasting memory of each holiday family gathering, you can easily make this fun and memorable tablecloth that each person at the table can participate in creating. Here’s how:

1. Buy a plain tablecloth and a bunch of permanent markers, fabric paint or liquid embroidery.

2. First, place a table pad over the table and then cover it with the tablecloth.

3. During the meal have each guest/family member decorate the tablecloth with his or her name, a quote, saying, poem or drawing. At the end of the meal, make certain you date it. You will have a wonderful and fun way to remember family events. — Heloise

Cloudy glasses

Dear Heloise: I was getting my china and glasses ready for a holiday event and noticed that the glasses are cloudy even though they are clean. What can I do about this? I want them to look good for the party. — Julia in Georgia

Dear Julia: Here’s how to check to see if your drinking glasses just have a hard water buildup or are permanently scratched or etched.

Heat full-strength vinegar and soak the glasses in it. But if the glasses are delicate or fine crystal, use only warm vinegar. Rub the glasses with a plastic scrubber, rinse and dry well by hand. Examine the glasses to see if the cloudiness has disappeared. If it has, the cause could be because of hard water or because of using too much or too little dishwasher detergent. However, if the cloudiness remains, the glasses may be scratched permanently. — Heloise

Stinky sponges

Dear Heloise: My kitchen sponges always get so smelly, and I hate that. How can I get rid of the smell and reuse the sponges so I don’t have to buy new ones? — Bethany in Florida

Dear Bethany: We all use our sponges so much that they just do get smelly and absorb odors, no matter what. Here’s how to deal with this problem:

After each use, sponges should be rinsed thoroughly in cool, soapy water (not hot) and wrung out until no water is dripping. Then dry, but not by laying the sponge flat. Instead, prop it up or drape it over a cup so there is air circulation. Soak stinky sponges in a bowl of household vinegar for five to 10 minutes to kill the bacteria that causes the odor.

Depending on usage, sponges actually last only about several weeks, so stock up on them when they are on sale. — Heloise

Kids have too many toys?

Dear readers: If your children have outgrown their toys or are bored with dolls, games or dated electronic items, have them make a pile of the ones they don’t want anymore. They can clean up their rooms and make them neater while you sort the piles and put the items into boxes. Then let your children choose a local shelter or charity where they can donate their unwanted items to children who would be thrilled to have them. — Heloise

Send a money-saving or timesaving hint to Heloise, P.O. Box 795000, San Antonio, TX 78279-5000, or you can fax it to 1-210-HELOISE or email it to Heloise@Heloise. com. I can’t answer your letter personally but will use the best hints received in my column.