When dealing with your kids, you should be keenly aware of trustbusters

In a research study of over 400,000 people, one workplace characteristic was most related to the cardiac health of employees — the absence of a trusting relationship with their supervisor. A mistrusting connection with your boss, which was reported by about 20% of the workers, significantly increased the likelihood of having a variety of risk factors for heart diseases, such as high blood pressure, cholesterol and body mass index.

Trust is just as important at home as it is at work. We all want a great relationship with our families, and we do our best to be honest and reliable in our interactions. This isn’t easy, so it’s important to be mindful of these trustbusters.

1. Covert monitoring of your child’s internet usage. You should carefully supervise your children’s digital world, but be honest about what you are doing and why it’s important. Don’t apologize for wanting to keep them safe from themselves. Decrease your monitoring as your kids mature and prove themselves responsible.

Covert surveillance is a trustbuster. You may gather some important information, but the longterm costs are just too high.

2. Lying about your past. Your children may ask you about your previous drug usage or sexual activities. You have a right to your privacy and don’t need to answer such questions. Why should you have to explain or justify your past private behaviors to your children? If you don’t want to be truthful, tell your kids that just as you respect their privacy, they should do the same with you.

3. “Don’t tell dad (or mom).” Your child may approach you and want to discuss some very personal topic, but wants your promise to keep it a secret from your spouse. This is a seductive situation, as you desperately want your child to talk with you, and offering such an assurance seems pretty harmless.

Don’t ever make this promise. Keeping secrets from your spouse about your children is a bigtime trustbuster with your partner. It’s also a terrible example for your children. The ultimate trustbuster is to promise your child you’ll keep a secret, and then tell your spouse anyway.

4. “I want to tell you something, but you have to promise not to tell anyone else.” I’ve heard this so many times in my office. Desperate kids are looking for safety and security to discuss their confusing feelings, past abuse or painful family secrets. I can’t make this promise, and you shouldn’t either. There are things that kids tell us that require our actions. Violating a promise is a major trustbuster with long-term consequences for kids.

Talk with your kids about trustbusters, helping them understand that mutual honesty is the foundation of all of our relationships.

Next week: Should you switch therapists?

Dr. Ramey is the executive director of Dayton Children's Hospital's Pediatric Center for Mental Health Resources and can be contacted at Rameyg@childrensdayton. org.