That certain something we seek in dating
When someone is looking for a relationship, they usually build a list in their heads (or on an online profile) of what they want in a person. This list is actually a very helpful tool when seeking a relationship. I got very proficient at this by helping others write their online profiles as well as helping them decide what they really wanted in a relationship.
Usually it starts with a process of elimination, a list of “I don’t wants,” which focuses too much on the negative. Instead, I encourage people to make a list of the best qualities they see in themselves. Those qualities are often the same that they would seek in a partner.
For me, it was “kindness,” and as simple as that quality seems, it has become very rare. I only wanted to marry once, and I did find someone who actually out-nices me. We are a good team, and I get more support from her than anyone I have ever known. That love makes me want to be the best man I can be for her.
Being together has made both of our lives better, because we are both inspired to try harder, and that is something that most people don’t formally think about. What is it that motivates you to be the best person you can be? If you find someone who motivates you in that way, then you’ve truly lucked out.
We all look for the certain something that makes our hearts flutter, and when you find it, the idea of it going away can fill you to the brim with anxiety. But fear of loss is not what makes a relationship work. What will keep you together is your effort to help you and your partner find the joy in life and with each other.
Strong couples “get” each other and know when it’s time to help out and time to pull back. We are all individuals, but if you operate from the place of being part of a loving couple, it changes your thinking and thus your actions. This is how love works. When you put someone else’s needs before your own, that same energy will return to you, and life is much sweeter.
Everyone has special qualities that we find admirable; enhancing those qualities and creating the opportunity for your growth as a couple is an intricate part of being together. We all need to look for opportunities to make our relationships a tiny bit better. It really is all about the little things, and if you have those covered, the big ones usually fall into place more easily.
Having a partner who is someone you are proud to be with is an important part of your dynamic. If you don’t respect the person you are with, negative expressions of your true feelings will slip out, and you will start to snipe at each other, and this can be the beginning of the end. If you see this starting, please talk to the one you love and, with kindness, ask them for what you need, so you can get back to a level playing field.
All it may take is one conversation to remind the two of you why you decided to come together in the first place, and that memory is life enhancing. Finding someone who tickles your fancy isn’t easy, so don’t stop tickling back. Dr. Barton Goldsmith, a psychotherapist in Westlake Village, Calif., is the author of“The Happy Couple: How to Make Happiness a Habit One Little Loving Thing at a Time.” Follow his daily insights on Twitter at @ BartonGoldsmith.