Letting go of a friend
We all have people in our lives whom we stay friends with out of our loyalty to the time we have spent together. But real life sometimes creates or uncovers things about a person that you just can’t live with. If you have known someone for more than 20 years and want to move on from the relationship, it can be hard to get that person, or what they did, out of your psyche.
If you ever loved this person, it is even harder. That feeling of wanting may wash over you and will make you want to reach out and see if they have changed, if they will be better to you. So, after you have unblocked them, maybe you’ll send a text or make a call to see if you can reconnect. But is that really a good thing to do? What if they haven’t changed or are worse?
So, let’s say you went for it and you gave it your best effort, but things are just not going to work out. Now, all that’s left to do is to permanently remove that person from your emotional space. You’ll get to that eventually — but for now, you’ll just reblock them. You may also think they are out of your brain, but it will probably take a lot longer than deleting their pictures from Facebook.
Friends and lovers who have entered our hearts can stay there forever, no matter what they have done. The heart tends to only remember the good, the mind remembers the bad, and the two together can create many a sleepless night for even the strongest-willed human being.
I recently had to let go of a buddy because the relationship had become unbalanced. Let me explain. All my friends know I’m a therapist, and upon occasion, they will ask me a question or two, but everyone is pretty respectful, so they don’t push it.
In this case, my pal was beside himself over a breakup and couldn’t contain his pain. Although he had a therapist of his own, he felt he had to tell me too, and it got to be too much. For some people, talking nonstop about what is going on is a means of coping, but it can be very difficult for the listener, especially if they are just a friend.
I asked him to stop, and he truly could not. And it was getting way out of hand. I was beginning to feel like Richard Dreyfus in “What About Bob?” — and that was a sign. I held fast to my boundaries but distanced myself while still keeping tabs on him, just in case.
Then, of course he became angry with me. It wasn’t like I had vanished, but I did have to unfriend him, and these days that is akin to throwing down a gauntlet. Then he moved from the internet to texting, and I had to completely block all communication. I did not enjoy the process, but my self-respect and well-being was dependent on making this break.
In this era of digital communication, people who don’t receive a response may pout loudly for a little while, maybe create some posts, and then their fingers will find someone else for them to project their pain on to.
Letting go of a friend is never easy. But if something like what I’ve described happens to you, don’t feel bad about blocking or disconnecting from someone. If it ever gets to the point where you need to distance yourself for your own well-being just remember, you are doing the right thing!
Dr. Barton Goldsmith, an award-winning Los Angeles based psychotherapist and keynote speaker, can be reached via E-mail at Barton@BartonGoldsmith. com. Read his blog at psychologytoday.com or follow him on Twitter @ BartonGoldsmith.