‘Bachelor’ ignores the case for dating your own age
I originally wrote a version of this article three years ago, and unfortunately, it still applies today. Back then, I commented on how Ben Higgins, the TV “Bachelor” at the time (and yes, I’m an unapologetic fan of the reality program … for “work purposes,” of course) was presented with a group of women, mostly young and not yet accomplished in life. And the same is true this season with Peter Weber.
When there is a female Bachelorette, the focus on the men is often their job. How many times, for example, did we see that Evan was an “erectile dysfunction specialist” three years ago. And Arie, a previous Bachelor, was a race car driver. And Colton, the last Bachelor, was a football player. Trust me — it was a lot. And on Hannah Brown’s season, we learned that Peter (now the Bachelor) is an airline pilot, Jed is a musician (albeit not a very good one), and Tyler is a model.
When there is, instead, a male Bachelor, it seems that the focus is less on what a woman has to offer the world in terms of her career and more on her looks/hair/figure, and perhaps more still, her age. Arie Luyendyk was the Bachelor at 36 years old — old enough to presumably make mature decisions (though he did pick the “wrong” woman first) and has enough life experience to know what’s right for him and what’s not, but the ages of the women ranged from 22 to early 30s. And the poor “old” women were made to feel over the hill.
I don’t claim to be unbiased in this discussion. As both a dating coach and a 38-yearold woman, it’s hard to see a show like this perpetuating the conventional wisdom that the man should be older than the woman. I have no doubt that the show would have rejected me, not because I can’t verbally spar with someone, but because I’m 38, much too “old” for these fine gentlemen. So much of this says to the world, “Women are valued for their beauty, not their brains, success, or experience.”
The other problem with casting such young women is that people are not getting married at 22 anymore. Now, many women are waiting until they are established in a career before committing to marriage and potentially children. But this show continues some old belief that marriage and kids should happen ASAP after meeting someone. It’s just not realistic in this day and age.
This is a conversation I have with my clients all the time, especially those over
50. I have found that 95% of my clients over age 50 tell me that the other gender doesn’t age as well as theirs. Even a recent 38-year-old male client refuses to date women over
31. But, you know, everyone ages, everyone gets wrinkles, everyone has baggage. Age doesn’t define us. You have to look at people as individuals.
Back in 2010, OkCupid did a study called “The Case for an Older Woman,” showing men’s age ranges that they look for in a partner. Their analysis showed this: “A man, as he gets older, searches for relatively younger and younger women. Meanwhile, his upper acceptable limit hovers only a token amount above his own age. A 31-year-old guy, for example, sets his allowable match age range from 22 to 35 — nine years younger, but only four years older, than himself. This skewed mindset worsens with age; the median 42-year-old will accept a woman up to 15 years younger, but no more than three years older. Women, on the other hand, show an openness to both reasonably younger and reasonably older men.” I loved the conclusion of the study, which encouraged men to date women their own age or older, putting them into the “zone of greatness.” Yes, please.
I’m not naive to the fact that we can all be superficial and notice someone’s looks first, and men especially want a younger woman because she’ll supposedly preserve her beauty longer than someone who is older. (I know I’ve skipped the whole childbearing rationale … I could have written a novel if I included that.) But, I have to wonder, at a certain point, if you’re almost a generation apart, what do you have in common? Bachelor Nation, I hope this gives you some food for thought.
Erika Ettin is the founder of A Little Nudge, where she helps others navigate the often intimidating world of online dating. Want to connect with Erika? Join her newsletter, eepurl.com/dpHcH