Liar, liar, dating profile on fire
In one of my stints on various online dating sites, I had to decide my age parameters for my potential dates. When I was 33, I had placed those parameters at 27 to 39, or six years on either side of my own age, which felt appropriate to me.
At that time, I was on OkCupid, and I sent a message to someone who seemed great — handsome, witty, intelligent — so we decided to meet for brunch. (Drinks or coffee are preferred, but when enticed with bacon biscuits, I couldn’t say no.) When I walked into the restaurant, I found my date sitting in a booth, and he looked just like his photos. (Yay!) When he stood up to greet me, though, I noticed that he was only about 2 inches taller than I am. I’m 5’1, so height is actually not something I care about in a partner in all. (In fact, I had a long-term boyfriend many years ago who was 5’3, and
I loved being able to actually look into his eyes!) It wasn’t his height that bothered me … it was the fact that he had misrepresented it.
Being that I’m fairly uncensored when I have something to say, I blurted out, “You’re not 5’7!” In response, he said, “Well, I am 5’5.” I then replied, “OK, you’re not 5’5 either, but regardless, why did you lie about it?” He had no answer. I could overlook this for now, though. Moving on …
We had a really great conversation and even some flirtatious banter. At one point during the date, I innocently asked if he had children since I knew he was 39 and had been married before. His immediate response was, “I have something I have to tell you.” Oh geez. We just met, so why the seriousness all of a sudden? What did he have to tell me? He then said that he was not, in fact, 39, as his profile had stated, but he was really 45. He ultimately told me this because he had a 19-year-old son and figured I might do some mental math.
He had lied by an egregious six years, with the sole purpose of getting dates with women in their early 30s, as I was at the time. I felt deceived, and I told him so. (Bluntness strikes again.) He sat there with his tail between his legs while I kindly but firmly told him that this was a waste of my time, not because we didn’t get along but because he got me there through deceit.
People lie for all different reasons, but when it comes down to it, the main reason people lie is a lack of confidence. If you’re 100% confident in who you are, then there’s no need to lie to get a date. Now, I know you may have the argument, “But I want to show up in someone’s search parameters.” I get it. But lying to get there isn’t the answer. “But can’t I just say in the text of my profile what my real age is?” No, I still don’t recommend it. You may go on fewer dates being the real you, but at least you’ll know that you haven’t hidden anything.
A study from OkCupid back in 2010 (is that really 10 years ago?) found that “almost universally guys like to add a couple inches to their height … as they get closer to 6 feet (they) round up a bit more than usual, stretching for that coveted psychological benchmark (of 6 feet).”
In the end, lying only comes back to bite you because, while you and your date may get along, you got to the date under false pretenses, and he or she may be wondering what else you lied about. I recommend that you tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth… at least about your age, height, and body type in your online dating profile.
Erika Ettin is the founder of A Little Nudge, where she helps others navigate the often intimidating world of online dating. Want to connect with Erika? Join her newsletter, eepurl.com/dpHcH