When is it OK to reveal dating bliss to friends?
As we all know, dating is hard, so when you finally find someone who makes you truly happy, you want to shout it from the rooftops. But if you have single friends who are still in the muck of it all, struggling to meet just one normal person (let alone “the one”), it’s hard to know how much of your excitement to reveal. The reality of it is that while friends will love you and hope for your well-being, jealousy can occasionally rear its ugly head, and those friends who are supposed to love you unconditionally may start acting distant.
I met someone I dated seriously for a long time in December of 2009, and I had a vacation planned with some girlfriends for New Year’s Eve that same year. When we booked the trip, all of us were single, but by the time our cruise sailed off, I was the one with the boyfriend. I was ecstatic about it, but did I want to share my newfound bliss with three people who expected me to be single and ready to mingle? And on top of it all, one friend had just ended a relationship with someone. I kept my boyfriendtalk to a minimum, which was hard since that’s the last thing you want to do when you’re starting a new relationship. You just want to yell, “I found him!”
When it comes to starting a new relationship, while all of your friends should be happy for you, it’s best to come up with some sort of selective sharing. The people who will likely be most excited for you are the ones who are in the same place you are — happy. They say misery loves company, but so does happiness. Tell your friend who just got the promotion that your new boyfriend sent you flowers. Tell your other friend who just had her fourth date with a guy she really likes that your new guy said “I love you” for the first time. I’m not saying you can’t share your good news with your single friends, but be sensitive to the fact that while they are likely content enough on their own (remember that being single is a choice, and a valid one), you’ve gotten the brass ring (in some of their minds anyway), and they’re riding the horse empty-handed. This is advice I would give in any context, not only dating: just be sensitive.
Even as a dating coach, I’m not immune to people’s behavior on or after dates. I’ve certainly been ghosted before, a behavior that I find no reasonable excuse for. After one particularly upsetting ghosting, my friend met a wonderful man and wanted to tell me all about the cute things he was doing. She expressed to me that she wasn’t sure how much to tell me given the circumstance. I told her to tell me everything! She was sensitive to me, and in turn, I was there for her.
Of course it’s OK to be happy, but just be aware that friendships are not always on pace with each other, and certain people may be better choices to share the cute little details of your new relationship. Life is not a comparison. Sometimes you’ll be the one with the good news, and other times, it’ll be your friends. Just be aware.
And if all else fails, you can tell your friend who’s tried and true — your journal.
Erika Ettin is the founder of A Little Nudge, where she helps others navigate the often intimidating world of online dating. Want to connect with Erika? Join her newsletter, eepurl.com/dpHcH