Marriage crumbling as couple’s communication becomes bitter
DEAR ABBY: My husband barely speaks to me. We both work full time and are facing the empty nest very soon. At home, I have to initiate even the smallest of small talk. He’ll never say “Good morning” or ask “How was your day?” Although I work hard to keep the house the way he likes it, he speaks up only to criticize the few times I don’t meet his standards. There’s never a word of acknowledgment when I have accomplished other elements of housekeeping.
When I laugh at the Sunday comics, he doesn’t even ask what’s funny. As a result, I have become defensive. Then he accuses me of being “dismissive of his feelings.” He says I don’t communicate with him, but when I do, he barely responds, so over the years I have basically shut down. We have been to counseling, and maybe it’s time to go again. Do you have any perspective to offer? — UNACKNOWLEDGED IN THE SOUTH
DEAR UNACKNOWLEDGED: It is definitely the right move to return to counseling. But when you do, this time speak up for yourself loud and clear. If you do, it may change the dynamics of your relationship because when he accuses you of not communicating, he is blaming the victim. Once you have said your piece, let the marriage and family therapist mediate what is certain to be a long-overdue discussion.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 25-year-old man currently dating a 39-yearold woman. We have been dating for 2 1/2 months. We have talked about our age difference a couple of times, but apart from that issue, every other aspect of our relationship is going well, including communication, intimacy and maturity.
We are not super interested in having children, and we both have expressed interest in adopting a child if we were to have one somewhere down the line. Despite this, I have heard from family (my parents, mostly) and close friends that I’m making a terrible mistake by dating a woman so much older.
They say it is not practical to marry a woman so much older because it will present major health and aging challenges as time goes by. This is the argument that most influences my feelings. Should I break up with her and tell her that the age difference is the reason? I feel I should decide soon so as not to waste her time. -NOT JUST A NUMBER IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR NOT JUST A NUMBER: You have been seeing this woman for only 2 1/2 months. The relationship is still new. That you are discussing marriage and children seems to me to be premature. My advice is to slow down. Let time dictate whether this romance develops further.
Discuss the flak you are getting from your parents with your lady friend. But the 14-year age difference does not necessarily mean that she’ll have health challenges that you won’t. Decide together whether the age difference is a deal-breaker.
DEAR ABBY: This may seem like a strange question, but my husband says our 6-year-old cat, “Taffy,” is really 42 years old. He says one cat year equals seven people years. Taffy is like a baby to me. What gives? — NEVER HEARD THAT IN NEVADA
DEAR NEVER HEARD: Your husband is right. As you may have already noticed, humans have longer lives than dogs and cats, but pets mature faster. According to veterinary medicine, the first two years of a cat’s life equal 25 human years. After that, every cat year equals four human years. This would make Taffy the ripe old age of 41 or 42. If this is shocking to you, remember that 42 is the new 22.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby. com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: “Abby’s Favorite Recipes” and “More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby.” Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $16 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)
DEAR READERS:
It’s so irritating when you remove clothing from the dryer and it’s covered in lint, damp or crumpled up. Here’s how to prevent this from happening:
Clean the dryer’s lint screen after every load. Be aware that if the lint screen is full, the buildup may cause the dryer to take much longer to its job, and could cause a fire-safety problem.
Do not cram the dryer too full, because the clothing with be wrinkled. Instead, sort loads. For example, do not place lint-makers, such as bath towels, in with lintcollectors, like synthetics and permanent press.
Empty out the pockets of garments before you put them in the dryer. Be sure to remove tissues, crayons and paper, because those items can cause a large mess.
And finally, add fabric softener or fabric sheets to aid in lowering static electricity.
CARING FOR YOUR SHOES
DEAR HELOISE:
I just bought an expensive pair of shoes. How can I keep them in good condition for a long time?
Kelly Ann in Louisiana
DEAR KELLY ANN:
When you invest money in a good pair of shoes, it is key to take the time to care for them. This will pay off because they will look better and last longer. Routinely take these steps:
1. Wipe or dust off the surface of your shoes often.
2. Use a paste or cream polish to maintain the leather.
3. Examine the tips, heels and soles frequently. If you notice tears or rips, take them to a shoe-repair shop as soon as you can. If the soles are becoming worn, replace them.
4. Use shoe trees to help shoes retain their shape.
5. When shoes get wet, crumple up newspaper, stuff inside and let dry for several hours. This helps keep the shape.
VIDEO INVENTORY
DEAR READERS:
If you have to make an inventory of valuable items in your home for insurance purposes, here’s any easy way to do it:
Use your smartphone to make a household inventory, which will be important, particularly if there is a fire, natural disaster or if your home is broken into. It’s important that you record household items for an insurance claim. As you walk around and video the items, verbally describe the high-tech equipment, antiques, jewelry and other important family items of value. Show the sides and any manufacturer’s marks to help further identify them. Also read aloud the identification/serial numbers. And you can include any key history about cherished objects.
MAKING CITRUS DEODORIZER
DEAR READERS:
If you want to save money, you can create your own citrus deodorizer for your home. It will cost less than commercial ones, but will smell just as good. Here’s how to make it:
Fill a big pot with water and add any citrus - lemon, orange or grapefruit. It can be leftover wedges, rinds or slices. Add a bit of cinnamon or cinnamon sticks and simmer on low heat. You can make it even spicier by dropping in other spices, such as nutmeg, allspice or a peppermint stick.
Watch this pot closely and do not let it boil dry. Pour into small glass jars. You can punch holes in the lids so the aroma will make a room smell really good.
HAVE AN UNUSED FOOT LOCKER?
DEAR READERS: Take it out of the basement or attic and clean it up. Here is how to transform it and reuse: Paint or decorate it for your child’s room. Use it to store toys or athletic equipment.
Put several pretty lows on top. pil
Send a money-saving or timesaving hint to Heloise, P.O.Box 795000, SanAntonio, TX 78279-5000, or you can fax it to 1-210-HELOISE or email it to Heloise@Heloise. com. I can’t answer your letter personally but will use the best hints received in my column.