How a dating coach came to be
I was an early adopter of online dating. I started in 2001, when no one did online dating. Rather than hoping I'd meetmy future partner, my poor parents just hoped Iwouldn't meet a psychopath! (Years later, they caught on and begged me to let them buy me a membership. My, how times change.) Over the years, I started to come at online dating using my degree in economics. And what would an economist do? Make a spreadsheet, of course.
I initially started the spreadsheet so I wouldn't accidentally write to the same person twice. But then I thought, "I can measure things in here!" What's my response rate when I write to someone? And what's my conversion rate (like, am I able to turn those responses into dates?). And I made little tweaks to improvemy results. Ending amessage with a question will always get a higher response rate. A shorter profile will get more views. I got so good thatmy friends started asking me for help. And being that methodical, itworked. I met someone. And over the next few years, it got very serious.
At the time, I had been working as a financial economist at Fannie Mae since I thought it was the practical thing I was supposed to do. Let's just say that cubicle life was not for me. But I loved helping people with online dating. So, against everyone else's better judgment, just over nine years ago, I took a leap and quit my job to start my own business... as an online dating coach.
NowI do everything from writing Match or Bumble profiles to taking profile pictures to giving some people the confidence they need to get out there. I hadmy dreamjob andmy dream relationship.
But then my own relationship ended. You think someone's going to be your future, but instead, you're packing boxes and realize he's your past. Sometimes even buying a condo and designing a wedding ring doesn't mean someone's actually ready to commit.
It's interesting... when people hear that I'm a dating coach, rather than asking about how successful I amwith my clients, they often want to know about mypersonal life. Theywant to assume that I should be in a perfect relationship, living (ASTERISK) their(ASTERISK) fantasy, to show that it "worked for me." And it did. And does. But I'm far from immune to a relationship ending, just like everyone else. So, it was hard enough going through a breakup, but to do it while still doing my job helping clients get out there, all the while being judged for not being in a relationship made it even harder. As much as I hate to admit it sometimes, I am still human.
I took a long time offfrom dating, with the help of a great therapist, to mourn the loss of the relationship.
But still, to this day, I get the same question fromclients and strangers alike on an almost daily basis: "Are you married?" The relevant questions should be: "How do you work with your clients?" "Do they see a noticeable difference?" "What is your process?"
The reality is that all of my experiences, especially the heartbreak, make me so much better at my job. Plus, I'd so much rather be single at various points in life than with someone who doesn't get or appreciate me. I'd want that for my clients as well. A relationship
is not the answer; happiness is.
Nothing in life is guaranteed – not health, not money, and not a relationship. But that doesn'tmean that you or I or anyone else is "less than." It simply means that we all learned something to bring into the
next relationship.
Erika Ettin is the founderofA Little Nudge, where she helps others navigate the often intimidatingworld of online dating. Want to connect with Erika? Join hernewsletter, eepurl.com/dpHcHfor updates and tips.