How to get your kids to do what you ask
Dear Kid Whisperer,
I have a 5-year-old who hates being told what to do. Even simple instructions like clearing his plate after dinner are a problem. He not only refuses; he gets angry.
Our 7-year-old was never like this. We have had consequences for his refusal. We need a way of getting him to do what we want without him getting angry, because the consequences are piling up. — Matt, Ohio
Dear Matt, You are right on track. The difficulty you are experiencing is due to the fact that you may not have used sufficient preventive and mitigative strategies so that you don’t have to use so many responsive strategies (consequences).
The preventive strategy is to give choices. You give two that you are OK with, and Kid can only choose “A” or “B.” He can’t make up a choice “C.”
It is common that Kid will “forget” to make a choice. If this occurs, the last thing you want to do is to make a demand, and the second-to-last thing you want to do is to give the choice again. Instead, you can gently guide him toward cooperation by using two mitigative strategies: the use of a Statement of Fact and (if necessary) a Question.
Here’s how I’d put it all together with your kid at the end of dinner:
Kid Whisperer: “All done! Kid, you can either clear your place by making two trips and getting your plate in one and your cup in the other or, if you are big enough, you can take them both at the same time. Either way is fine.”
Kid sees something shiny and takes a long, thoughtful pause.
Kid Whisperer: “Ooh! The plate and cup are still on the table.”
Kid Whisperer walks away in order to assume intelligence and cooperation. Kid continues to contemplate something with his thousand-yard stare.
Kid Whisperer (from the kitchen, while doing dishes): “What should you do now?”
Kid appears to become conscious. He looks at his plate and cup as if he has never seen them before.
Kid: “I will take my plate and cup at the same time. I’m not a baby! I am Iron Man.”
Kid clears both his cup and plate and puts them both in the sink.
Kid Whisperer: “Thank you, Iron Man.”
Of course, using these strategies will not “make” Kid clear his dishes. They just make it more likely that he will, so that you won’t have to do as many Learning Opportunities (consequences).
These strategies give kids choices and healthy control, and they allow adults to avoid making demands.