Earthquake, cicadas, solar eclipse: Yep, it’s confirmed, God hates us
A 4.8-magnitude earthquake hit New Jersey and shook New York City just days before a solar eclipse and a month or so before a dual emergence of cicadas, which are basically locusts with dietary self-control.
Conspiracy theorists were quick to pounce on these developments with ridiculous postulations, but thankfully, there’s a simple explanation: God hates us and we’re all about to die.
When confusing natural phenomena occur, I always turn to the wisest among us, and the Friday before the eclipse was no different.
Not long after the quake was reported, Republican Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene posted on social media:
“God is sending America strong signs to tell us to repent. Earthquakes and eclipses and many more things to come. I pray that our country listens.”
She put a “praying hands” emoji at the end, which is a signal that this is serious.
NYC earthquake shows God hates us. Please repent harder.
Now I have been repenting for years, and to be honest, it doesn’t seem to be working.
I continue to age, none of my Powerball tickets have won, earthquakes and eclipses are still a thing, and it looks like I’ll have to deal with my dog spending the late summer months relentlessly snacking on crunchy cicada carcasses in the backyard.
I will repent harder. And I suggest you all do the same.
Because the signs – they are everywhere.
It’s raining caterpillars and men still exist
We are less than a month away from the Kentucky Derby that, thanks to our general heathenism, will likely feature AT LEAST four horsemen of the apocalypse, possibly more. (I'm putting $100 on Famine to win and a cool $500 on War to show.)
Parts of Florida and South Texas are getting covered in spiny caterpillars, presumably due to wokeness.
People have finally realized women's basketball is exciting, and it hasn't caused all men to suddenly vanish in a poof of self-righteous outrage.
WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!!!
We’ve given God solid reasons
The question now is not whether God hates us, it's how much does God hate us? I'm guessing it's a lot because, frankly, have you looked at us lately?
We've got people like Rep. Greene in powerful governmental positions. We've got people like me writing whatever the hell this is. And we've got a presidential candidate selling gold sneakers and begging his predominantly Christian followers for $5 donations to cover the money he owes from defrauding a state and sexually abusing a woman. Come to think of it, I think Greene's right about the earthquake and the eclipse and all the other stuff. We need to repent. Hard.
I'm gonna let her go first.
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