Break up or wake up?
Love expert Damona Hoffman shares how a broken heart can make you stronger.
Breakups are undeniably challenging, often leaving us feeling depleted, discouraged, and unsure of our next move. Yet, our deepest relationships always present us with our biggest opportunities for growth, and the end of one chapter is often the beginning of a new one. On The Drew Barrymore Show, Drew and I have shared tears, laughs, and advice with audience members who have been through the relationship ringer but come out on the other side hopeful and ready for transformation.
This spring, if you find yourself rebuilding after a breakup, take control of your destiny and begin to write the next chapter for yourself. The first step is always taking time to heal and find yourself again: Which parts of yourself that may have been lost in partnership are ready to be reinvigorated? In what ways have you changed during the relationship and since it ended?
Sometimes we feel pressure to always be in a relationship or in pursuit of one, but there are seasons in your life that are for your own healing and self-discovery. When you have processed the reasons for the breakup and recommitted to things you love about yourself and your life as a solo person, you might be ready to consider dating again. Having coached many people from divorce or breakup to finding themselves and ultimately finding love again, I spoke to two of my former clients whose stories are featured in my book, F the Fairy Tale ($29, fthefairytalebook. com), to get their advice for anyone recovering from heartbreak.
Ilene knew right away the man she married wasn’t the right one. She spent her honeymoon terrified she’d made the biggest mistake of her life, and within six months, she went from newlywed to divorcee. After that, she spent years on and off dating apps and was beginning to lose faith that she might find her person and become a mother before her biological clock stopped ticking.
Looking back, she told me, “When going through a breakup, it’s hard not to feel alone or ashamed. Know you’re not alone; it happens to the best of us.” Our shame often keeps us from speaking our truth or living the life we truly want to live.
My client Annette echoed a similar sentiment. “It’s OK to ask for
“If you find yourself rebuilding after a breakup, take control of your destiny.”
help,” she said. When Annette and I met, she was a single mom who had been divorced for 12 years, and as she sent her son off to college, she knew it was time for her to pursue what she’d desired but deferred for so long: a relationship. Taking her back through that journey, she remembered, “After being out of the dating scene for years, I quickly realized how much online dating apps had changed.”
She wasn’t ashamed to seek out help, and she was willing to go deep inside herself to clarify what her next chapter would look like, how to bring new insights to her search, and who she could open her heart to again. “Be mindful of your must-haves and deal breakers. Don’t ignore or justify red flags,” she continued.
When beginning a mindful dating process, whether you’ve had a recent breakup or not, it’s important to consider how you want to feel in the next relationship. Annette realized she had put herself in the position of rescuer or fixer before, but in her new mind-set, she kept the faith that things would be different and put herself in the driver’s seat, making the choices that would lead
her to a new relationship she could grow with. She regards her husband today as more than just a romantic partner; he’s her true life partner.
There was a happy ending for Ilene as well. “Take the leap of faith,” she advised. Reminiscing about her journey from breakup to now, she continued, “Looking back, it’s insane how I ended up with my now-husband. We went from having just met to walking down the aisle in one year. I could have easily talked myself out of something amazing, because it almost felt too easy and too good to be true. … We’re still discovering new things (that we love!) about each other almost eight years after meeting.” Their daughter also just had her fourth birthday.
As I share in F the Fairy Tale, relationships are a mirror that will amplify your greatest strengths and illuminate your growth areas. Through past experiences, you can build a better relationship with yourself and maybe in time — and with the right support and approach — with a new person as well.
For more, go to damonahoffman.com and follow @damonahoffman.
Clients’ names have been changed for privacy.