Partying right now is unhealthy
DEAR AMY >> My brother is turning
30 in two months.
His husband is planning an out- ofstate surprise birthday weekend, seven hours away, where he and my brother and their friends will be staying in a large 14-person cabin.
My family (me, my pregnant wife and our daughter) have been given the option of a smaller separate cabin. So have our parents. Everyone has eagerly accepted, except for my family and my parents.
Our governor is imposing more pandemic restrictions. Anyone traveling out of state has to quarantine for two weeks when returning.
My wife and I cannot quarantine for two weeks and miss work.
We also all live within 10 minutes of each other, so the need for a 30th birthday weekend getaway seems unnecessary to us.
My wife and I have conveyed our hesitance, but my brother-in-law keeps telling us how much my brother deserves this extravaganza.
Amy, my brother-in-law has been known to stir the pot and create drama. He has already intimated how disappointed my brother will be.
My brother and I have a shaky relationship, as it is. He could write me and my family off completely over one false move. Writing off siblings runs in my family; both of my parents do not speak to any of their siblings, and my grandparents on both sides didn’t have relationships with their siblings.
I wanted this cycle of sibling discord to be broken in my generation, and not model this same behavior for my children.
Should I risk ruining the surprise by letting my brother know in advance that we can’t come?
— Worried Bro
DEAR BRO >> NO one should be planning ANY kind of group gathering right now. Your brother-in-law knows this, and he will likely either have to cancel or change his plans - or he will go ahead with them, but without you and your family.
Do not equivocate. Do not draw this out. Tell him that you won’t be able to make it to this celebration. State mandates, a baby on the way, quarantine, your family’s health and safety — how many reasons do you need? ( These are all reasons, by the way, not excuses.)
The way to deliver a polite RSVP is to respond promptly and to convey your genuine regret at missing the event.
Try this: “My wife and I have gone back and forth many times, because we would really love to be able to come, but we just can’t make it happen. We’d like to send a bottle of champagne to the group, so we’ll see if we can get something delivered to the venue.”
I don’t think you should bother remarking on your brother-in-law’s terrible (and potentially dangerous) judgment. He is an adult and he should know better.
If you don’t want to perpetuate sibling estrangement to the next generation, you should coach your own children to always express themselves, listen to one another, apologize when they are wrong, and to forgive one another.