Roughhousing leads to tears

Recently my children and I were with my in-laws (their grandparents) at a crowded event where I relied on my father-in-law to supervise my son

(age 4) while I was with my toddler daughter.

My father in-law tries to connect with my son by “being silly,” which for him means nose pinching, tickling, tug of war while holding hands, and general roughhousing and clownish behavior.

Occasionally my son laughs with him, but more often I can tell by his body language that he feels assaulted by all the unwanted touching.

At one point he fell down and was sobbing because his grandpa essentially pushed him down via tug of war.

As we said goodbye and grandpa tried to jostle him into a hug (while saying “you don't have to hug me if you don't want to”), my son refused to say goodbye at all. I said our goodbyes and it began to dawn on me how much roughhousing had been happening, so I asked my son if grandpa “nudges” him too much.

He said (amazingly) “I love grandpa so much and every time I see him I'm so excited to play but he makes me so sad every time because he's too rough.”

My question is, what is the best way to approach this?

I see a few options. My husband was subjected to this behavior himself as a child. I don't think he would be able to effectively handle this with his father. I could encourage my son to advocate for himself to his grandpa.

I could tell my fatherin-law about what my son said, something to the effect of, “I can see you really want to connect with our kids, but what you're doing is the opposite of connecting.”

I feel like he's being a bully, but I am not sure if I'm projecting my own feelings onto the situation.

Your advice?

— Protective Mom

It never ceases to amaze me that some adults can look at children who are obviously distressed and not adjust their adult behavior.

Let's stipulate that this grandfather is not intentionally being a bully, but he is behaving the way he knows how to behave — and has always behaved with children. He may justify this by believing he is “toughening up the little guy!” but this behavior from a beloved adult is extremely confusing, as your son articulated so well. And, mind you, the last thing this grandfather wants is for this child to become so tough that he either retaliates (for which his grandfather would likely punish him) or simply avoids him.

Coach your son to express his needs: “Grandpa, no — too rough!”

Also pass along your son's quoted comments and ask your father-inlaw: “Can you dial down the roughhousing? It's pretty hard on him.”