15 warning signs of an abuser
I have been in a relationship for five years. It started out wonderful, but now I'm having second thoughts. He keeps putting my kids down and telling me I'm a bad mother. It's so bad he has even put a knife to my throat. And, yes, he hits me.
There's so much more I could say, but I am scared if he knew I was writing to you it would end up bad for me. I need help, but I don't know what to do. He has isolated me from my family and friends. Please help me.
— Lost and Afraid
DEAR ABBY >>
DEAR LOST >> The man you are involved with is a dangerous abuser. What you must do next, for the sake of yourself and your children, is quietly contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 800-7997233 or going to thehotline. org for help in formulating an escape plan.
It has been some time since I printed the Warning Signs of an Abuser. For anyone who hasn't seen this list, these are classic indicators. Read on:
1. PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT >> Comes on strong, claiming, “I've never felt loved like this by anyone.” Pressures for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
2. JEALOUS >> Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because “you might meet someone”; checks the mileage on your car.
3. CONTROLLING >> If you are late, interrogates you intensively about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money.
4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS >> Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
5. ISOLATION >> Tries to isolate you from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of “causing trouble.”
6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS >> It's always someone else's fault.
7. MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS >> The abuser says, “You make me angry” instead of “I am angry,” or says, “You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you.”
8. HYPERSENSITIVITY >> Is easily insulted. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.
9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN >> Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partners will also abuse children.
10. “PLAYFUL” USE OF FORCE DURING SEX >> Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
11. VERBAL ABUSE >> Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.
12. RIGID ROLE OF DOMINANCE >> Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.
13. SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS >> Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
14. PAST BATTERING >> Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person “made” him (or her) do it.
15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE >> Says things like, “I'll break your neck” or “I'll kill you,” and then dismisses them with, “Everybody talks that way,” or “I didn't really mean it.”