Ex love wants to visit ill friend
DEAR AMY » Twenty years ago, “Sadie” and I divorced after
12 years of marriage and two children.
Sadie developed a cocaine habit, which destroyed our finances and threw us into debt. She also had a string of affairs and then divorced me.
After the divorce, while I was in shock, “Deana,” a co-worker, asked me out. Deana and I had an affair that lasted for several months.
Although she was a wonderful woman and I was falling for her, I was not ready. I broke it off and left the company for another job.
After five years taking care of my children, I remarried. Deana married at about the same time. Her husband is a terrific man who adores her.
Now I hear that Deana, who lives in another state, is in an assisted-care facility with MS and in declining health.
Although the timing was not right for Deana and me, I always have retained — but have not acted on — my admiration and affection for her.
I would like to fly out to see Deana before she passes, but I think it would be inappropriate to do so. I sent a holiday card to her and her husband, expressing my sympathy for her illness.
Should I leave it at that?
—K
DEAR K » If you think it would be inappropriate to get on a plane to visit, then carefully examine your motives and decide not to do it.
“Deana's” illness has not robbed her of her memories or relationships. Aside from your recent contact, you don't seem to have maintained a friendship with her.
Years ago, after she pursued you and you two engaged in a relationship, you broke up with her and left.
My point is that she might not have lingering fond memories of you and might not want to see you. And feeling sorry for her or closing the circle on your own unresolved feelings for her would not be the best reason to connect now.
Before hopping on a plane, you should at the very least contact her and ask if she would like for you to visit.
DEAR AMY » I appreciated your advice to “Cheerful Giver,” whose “love language” is giving material gifts, but was disappointed that on her birthday, her friends and family members didn't reciprocate.
Thank you for pointing out that calls, texts and cards represent caring relationships and that these are gifts, too!
DEAR GRATEFUL » As I pointed out, “Words of Affirmation” is another love language. She should become fluent.