Future family visit fuels fears

DEAR AMY » I have a lot of hesitation about a visit by my brother and sister-in-law this summer.

They live out of state and last visited us two years ago. That visit did not go well.

My brother made a lot of negative comments about my family and our lifestyles, including how we live and where we live.

During our communication through phone calls over the years, I never really realized the negative downside of him.

I have visited him several times during the last 10 to 15 years at his home (to welcome babies) and those visits went fairly well.

During his visit with us, his attitude, comments and conversations reminded me of our father from years ago — and that is not a good thing.

He has offered to stay at a hotel, but do you have thoughts or suggestions on how I can have him stay at our home and have it maybe go better than the last visit?

We have a very small family. We want to have a good and positive relationship, but I'm not sure if that will work out. Your advice?

— Worried Sibling

DEAR WORRIED » You seem to want your brother and his wife to stay with you in your home, but his complaints during their last visit seemed fairly global and quite personal.

You ask for suggestions on how things could go better this time, and the answer would be for your brother to behave differently.

Is this likely? You shouldn't count on it.

In some cases, it can be easier on relationships all the way around if longer-term guests stay elsewhere (at a hotel or short-term rental house) during a visit.

You could address this with your brother by responding: “If you would feel more comfortable at a hotel, there are several nearby; I'm happy to send links for you to make a choice. Whatever works best for you is fine with us. We've always had a good time staying with you and want to reciprocate, but I don't think you were comfortable in our home the last time you visited.”

I think you should approach this visit with a hopeful attitude, but you should also consider and strategize about how you will respond if your brother insults you personally when he is with you.