Dad feels helpless to mend teen’s crisis of identity

DEAR ABBY: My 14-yearold daughter recently came out of the closet, and it has made my husband and me quite upset. She says she is “bicurious, pansexual and polyamorous.” She now insists everyone call her by a gender-neutral name, gave herself a side shave and dyed her hair pink after we repeatedly told her not to. She wants us to refer to her as “they” and not “she.”

Boys used to like her, and she used to have friends, but she threw it all away to be “unique.” You may think we should let her be true to herself, but in the process, she is disrespecting us and ruining her image. She thinks she’s all grown up and can do whatever she wants, and I just can’t get through to her.

She is also letting herself go. She used to be in good shape, but she quit track and field because it was a “gender-conforming” sport. She is now getting chubby, looks horrible and is depressed. Help! — DAD WITHOUT ANSWERS

DEAR DAD: Your daughter may, indeed, be depressed. She’s at an age where she is trying to figure out who she is, and because she has lost her friends and her parents are mad at her, I can understand why.

It is very important that you not panic. Her hair will grow back; her gender identity and sexual orientation will be confirmed with time. The most important suggestion I can offer

would be to love your daughter, stop criticizing her and make an appointment for you and your husband to talk with a psychologist with expertise in adolescents. Above all, she needs the support of her parents right now.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 11 years told me that when his former mother-inlaw dies, he would like to go to the funeral. He was friendly with her before he married her daughter. I’m not OK with this. What do you think? — UNUSUAL IN THE SOUTH

DEAR UNUSUAL: If your husband feels the need to pay his respects to his former mother-in-law, he should do it. And when he does, it would be nice if you were at his side, supporting him in his grief.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order “How to Be Popular.” Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)