Friends with benefits might have a love match
DEAR AMY » I am a 26-year-old woman in a “friends with benefits” relationship with “Paul” (age 28).
Paul and I had clearly agreed on casual sex and a no-strings-attached formula, but it seems like I have fallen for him.
He is the perfect man I had always imagined my partner to be.
I think he also has feelings for me, but maybe he is too scared to show his affection and to tell me how he really feels.
He often talks about how much he likes me and at the same time brings up his other love interests. This puts me in a very confused state.
I do not know if he really loves me or is just playing games with me.
How do I know if this man really loves me?
— Confused
DEAR CONFUSED » Your question illustrates the idea that — for some people — expressing honesty and emotional intimacy seems to be more challenging than tolerating the uncertainty and other related risks of having casual sex.
Telling the truth about your own emotions is lovely and liberating, as long as you understand fully that cannot control the outcome.
No matter what Paul says in response, pay attention to what he does. Because sex does not automatically translate into love, you should observe whether he wants to spend time with you doing nonsexual things.
DEAR AMY » After my husband’s recent unexpected death, I learned about his longtime affair with a coworker (conducted while they traveled for work).
I found emails, letters, and enough proof to want to make any spouse beyond angry.
I am struggling with dealing with grief and anger at the same time.
Should I tell my adult children about their father, or take this secret with me to the grave?
— Angry Widow
DEAR ANGRY » You are experiencing the earlier cycles of grief, compounded by your understandable anger regarding your husband’s affair.
You see this as an either/or: Tell, or take this secret to the grave.
However, when you have just experienced a huge loss, the wisest thing to do is to ... wait. If at all possible, you should wait several months to make any huge decisions. What you choose to do during these earlier days will help to set the course for the rest of your life.
For now, table your decision about disclosing this to your children. Remember that they are grieving, too. I believe that you will eventually want to tell them about this, but if you do this later, you will be much more intentional, calmer, and more emotionally available to help your children through their own reactions.
I urge you to seek grief counseling. Although hospice organizations offer grief groups, because your grief is complicated by betrayal, you should seek individual counseling. You would definitely benefit from disclosing this to a professional, and sorting through your own feelings of both loss and anger.