Joe’s in office, so everyone must be happy

It’s nice to have a happy population at last. It took some doing to get the votes needed to elect good ole Joe. That fatherly smile is heart-warming, but it took more.

Keeping him in his basement so he couldn’t say anything unhelpful in public helped. Having a friendly news media was essential. Some of the more attentive voters might have objected if they knew the Biden family had gotten rich peddling influence in China and Ukraine and elsewhere.

Legalizing drugs was an idea straight out of Huxley. Stoned voters are manageable. A few million stoners don’t sound like much, except maybe in a close election. Toss them into the hopper along with the brilliant idea of mail-in-voting (not to be confused with absentee voting) and ignore established rules in a few key states. It adds up nicely.

Now that this elections’ problems are solved, there are a few housekeeping chores to carry out. Make Puerto Rico and D.C states, eliminate the filibuster in Congress, add a few more robes in the Supreme Court, and elections will never be a problem again.

One more thing. Domestic terrorists must be rooted out and eliminated by whatever means possible. Hillary called them the Basket of Deplorables. They’re readily identifiable. They go around saying unapproved things like they thought speech was free or something. They’re often found in unsociable places like churches and target ranges.

We can all help. Turn in anyone you catch thinking unacceptable thoughts. You’ll know who they are.

— Jack McWherter, Cherokee