Years later, sibling struggles with brother’s suicide

DEAR AMY >> Many years ago, my brother missed a week of school, struggled to catch up, and then committed suicide.

In a note, he explained that he got a zero on a test because it was on him to make it up, and he didn’t get around to it in time, as he was overwhelmed with make-up work.

For the most part, I don’t think my parents are to blame here; they were not very strict about grades, though they did insist that we do our homework.

My niece is about to start kindergarten. I told my sister that if her daughter ever falls behind, it would be best to get her out of the regular classroom until she can get totally caught up (I don’t know to what extent this is actually an option).

My sister thought this sounded odd. I then realized that she likely didn’t know what led to our tragedy, as she was in college when our brother died, while I was still living at home.

I have not yet told her. I’m worried that she will blame our parents, or even try to track down the teacher who gave our brother the zero (I guess I could leave that part out).

Should I tell my sister now? Should I wait a few years, or until I hear about a problem involving school?

— Torn

DEAR TORN >> You are assuming that your brother died by suicide because he was overwhelmed with schoolwork.

I think you should train your focus outward and understand that there were likely many factors and perhaps additional triggering events that led to this tragedy.

And yes, I hope you will choose to talk about it with your sister, and tell her everything that you remember — not necessarily to influence her parenting, but because this is a primary event in the life of your family, and it is extremely important to talk about it.

When you have this conversation, you may learn that she has an entirely different understanding of the event.

She wasn’t living at home at the time, but she may have insight that you lack, due to the difference in your ages.

Suicide remains a taboo subject in our society, but for survivor families there are additional layers of guilt and anxiety, in addition to their deep sadness.

It is simply overwhelming, and I intuit that you are still overwhelmed and somewhat trapped in the storyline of that long-ago trauma — because you are extremely worried now about your niece’s emotional and mental health, all tied to the pressure of schooling for a kindergartner.

Therapy would be a game-changer for you. I hope you accept this prompt to pursue it.